Today, I got high.

Early morning: I borrowed a bottle of Gatorade and swallowed them fast. Speed, five pills or so, red ones... I'm not sure exactly what they were. Within an hour, I was there. Euphoria, the escape. Felt so good. The world opened up for me. I loved it. I loved everything. I felt everything, and knew it would all leave me soon.

The questions make me cry.

I know that it isn't me... I know it's all a fake. But for once I feel like a human being, and it's beautiful. Beautiful. I question myself, my real self, driving for an answer. What is wrong with me? I just want to know why. Why I'm always miserable. Why I'm not a better person.

Is this how I'm supposed to feel?
Is this how it's supposed to be?

And I hate it. I want it to last forever, but I'm chained to myself; the person who I'll always be. The person I'll never escape. (Hi, I'm David, and I want to be happy.) Fatigue. Withdrawn and dejected. I'm a terrible person.

And maybe it's just self-pity.

And maybe it's inexperience, maybe it's cliché, or maybe just the blindness of youth. Now I wish I'd never had these drugs. I wish I'd never tried them. I wish I had my ignorance. I wish I wasn't me.

nodeshell rescue

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