Those moments in life where you are unsure of your place in the world, how to react to it, or what to process within it. They never fail to happen when it would no doubt be best that they didn't.

The first day of school/work/anything new.
At a party when being social is what will make it fun.
The moment when you need to be poised and confident.

In my experience, only someone who knows me very well will notice that I'm having one of these moments, but they plague me for weeks, months, sometimes years... "Well, if I'd just said....... maybe this would've happened..."

We are being spoiled by the Internet and it's communication vehicles. They all allow us a ten-second window that you can use to compose yourself, be someone else, or even perfectly phrase your next move. Life on the Net is a game of Chess: everyone takes their turn, and everything can be calculated. I've always tried to predict life ahead, and be ready and armed for it. To the point of obsession I thought over this, no end... going so far as to start talking to myself conversations I would have. My efforts provided nothing more than a keen insight into the human mind and social relations. As it turns out, life in the heat of the moment is fast, cruel, and damning: you're actions are yours to keep for all time.

Like fog over a morning field, these moments linger in your mind. So close to reality in that you can't help but look back down that other path, yet so far in remorse it pains you to see. There are times where the future would have been noticeably different had you had taken the other way, said that other thing, or made your move just then; except you did not see one at the time. Your actions were pure, and your choices were you. It's hard not to be a natural being in some senses, even if we try to fabricate our responses. Experience, future self-confidence, all of it helps you to see that other path, two years too late.

I've lived my life like that, and still do to an extent... moments in time frozen and mulled over, as if every critical moment of my life was preserved for future analysis, in the hopes that someday I may be able to change it. These moments of insecurity held my life down for years... Living off of whatever meek decisions I made at the time and dreaming, rehearsing, or conjuring alternate realities, in which my "failed" choices were undone. It's a cruel way to live, I've found. Unforgiving of self and with too high of an expectation for your own actions, you drive every statement, word, and breath you take into a strange sense of remorse.

Even as cliche as it sounds, living in the now is the only way to exist. Living in the future never sees the present, and living in the past never lets you take your off the burden of self-inspection and thus inevitable guilt. Look up, dammit! Enjoy the sun on your face, the company you keep, and realize now is the best time of your life, if you choose it to be; every moment better than the next. Shrug these moments of insecurity off, and laugh to yourself...

"I'll get it right next time."

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