BITNET = B = bitty box

bits pl.n.

1. Information. Examples: "I need some bits about file formats." ("I need to know about file formats.") Compare core dump, sense 4. 2. Machine-readable representation of a document, specifically as contrasted with paper: "I have only a photocopy of the Jargon File; does anyone know where I can get the bits?". See softcopy, source of all good bits See also bit.

--The Jargon File version 4.3.1, ed. ESR, autonoded by rescdsk.

Some people are already concerned about the international reputation of British cuisine. Even though we have 120 Michelin starred restaurants including the world’s best restaurant; we Brits can’t shake off our bad reputation.

(Possibly our worst gastronomic error was inviting people over to stay when Hitler was controlling what ingredients were available.)

However I am not writing to defend English cuisine, on the contrary, I am here to introduce you the most depraved fatty snack of all time. This food type is so unhealthy it isn't harmful to health; it’s harmful to life.

If you think fish and chips are bad look away now. If you think a battered mars bar is a delicacy, read on.

I’ll take a moment to set the scene, you walk into a Yorkshire fish and chip shop, grease is falling down the walls in irremovable brown slug trails. You order your portion of chips from the walking advert for obesity, however before the (now translucent) newspaper is wrapped you are asked:

“Dya want tha’ wi’bits?”

Bits are the, well, ‘bits’ that bubbled off the battered fish when it was fried. They are gathered with a strainer and put in an improvised gap between deep fat fryers to congeal until someone brave; stupid or hungry enough comes along.

If you had to sell them you would say that they were “fragments of delicate batter infused with the essence of cod.” However these are so awful that even in Yorkshire, a county that is proud to be ungenerous, they are given away for free.

I love them.

Other names for bits:

Scraps (South Wales and parts of North Yorkshire)
Skratchins. (Birmingham)
Scrumps (Birkshire)
Crackles, Crispies or Crunchers are tentatively suggested as American deviations

The Fat Duck was awarded the world's best restaurant in 2001 by Michelin and the world's best restaurant in 2005 by Restaurant Magazine.
From April 2006 Britain had: 3 ‘three-star’ restaurants, 11 ‘two-star’ restaurants and 106 ‘one-star’ restaurants awarded by Michelin.
go to for a discussion on regional variations.

Bits is a charming expression for the tiny well...bits of batter that happen when any food is battered and deep fried. The best bits I've encountered are at Long John Silver's Seafood Restaurant. I have on occasion asked for more of these 'crunchies' to be added to my order. They also happen when you batter veggies such as yellow squash, zuchinni, okra, etc. I'm sure the Food Nazis will soon have their way with removing such tasty things from our grasping fat little paws. Anything that tastes that good can't possibly be good for you.

I'm an American Southerner and as such have no cultural fear of hot oil or fat. I believe it probably causes a person's joints to operate more smoothly. After all, any hinge swings easier with a little grease added.

I'm not totally without regard for health. I'll put the food I've deep fried in a nest of paper towels to remove the excess oil.

I'm also not scared of gravy. Gravy is also created by using 'bits', the small flavorful particles left after frying almost any meat. Those bits lend themselves to the creation of pan gravy. Everything brings its own particular essense to the marriage of flour, oil, milk, and seasonings to create that hot smooth delicacy. I've been known to make gravy for my dogs. When asked why my reply is a smile and say "I make it for them because I can." Gravy can be enjoyed on toast, biscuits, ladled over potatoes, served over the meat previously fried, or if totally desperate can be eaten on saltines. Yes, I have enjoyed gravy on saltines. Yes, I am circumferentially challenged. I might die due to my dietary indiscretions, but at least the cause of death won't be starvation.

I have a secret to tell you about Asian-style bits.

Japanese Bits

In the Japanese restaurant, correct making of the crispy delicacy tempura depends upon a certain kind of fried bits. Absent peanut oil*, virgin soy oil is best for cooking tempura. "Virgin" oil is called such because it is still a very, very light amber color and hasn't been used to cook much, if anything.  (The term "virgin" is used this way only in the case of soy oil; it's doesn't have to do with the first pressing, as in olive oil). Tempura just won't acquire the near-white yellow color and delightful crispy texture if cooked in old oil (or worse, a fryalator — a french-fry cooking machine).

* A) Many Americans assume that all Asian restaurants use peanut oil too cook with. This is not true; the distinctive odor of hot peanut oil is a give-away that peanut oil is being used (it's much worse for cholesterol-challenged people to eat than soy oil). B) On the other hand, from a chef's standpoint, peanut oil is the oil of choice to make fried foods (and omelettes, by the way) go "poof!" and become bigger, fluffier, and more aesthetically attractive.

When making tempura, the batter must be fresh and the ingredients patted dry with paper towels. Now, home-cooks often bemoan not being able to achieve the delicate, "lacy" texture and even coating that Japanese restaurants do. Here's the difference between home-made and restaurant tempura. About three tablespoons of the batter is first poured, slowly so as to form a thin stream, into the wok (fired to 400 degrees fahrenheit). It dives to the bottom and comes up in tiny round sizzling granules ranging in size from 1/16th of an inch to 1/8th of an inch. Then, the food to be cooked is dunked into the bowl of batter, the excess allowed to drizzle off for just a moment.

The batter-covered food is then carefully placed, by hand or tongs, into the hot wok, with batter "bits" afloat. The food is individually rolled across the surface of the oil, so the wet batter picks up the bits, until the entirety of the outside is covered with the bits (imagine an ice-cream cone with the top covered completely with nuts; that kinda look). The food is then cooked until done; a trial-by-error process that is best learned via experience and a good eye for the nuances of color.

Now, the intention of this writeup is certainly not to cause one to pause and think, 'why, I'm eating re-fried batter when I eat the ostensibly pristine Japanese delight.' Many people are also of the mindset that because the color of tempura foods is so light it's not quite as bad for one's health as eating the typical golden-brown fried items like french fries or fish and chips. There is also a class of idiots who are of the mind that everything Japanese is good for you because the Japanese people are all so thin and health-minded. Yeah, right. Those folks haven't been to a Bacchanalian, sake- and beer- saturated Japanese business luncheon.

Now, to the sushi bar. In America, at least, "crunchy" or "crazy" rolls are all the rage. The typical spicy tuna roll is rendered "crunchy" by the addition, inside, of tempura bits that have been removed from the tempura wok. The result is a tasty and texturally intriguing mixture of yin and yang; the cool, buttery tuna and spicy mayonnaise foiled by the warm, crispy tempura bits. A crazy roll is nothing more than a roll with rice and/or fish outside ("inside-out roll") which is brushed with either spicy mayonnaise or the dark-brown condiment "eel sauce" and then rolled in the tempura bits, so as to render it to appear as if it's been cooked tempura-style. Certain Japanese restaurants make large rolls — "futo maki" — with the seaweed outside, myriad different fish and veggies inside, and actually put the entire result through the tempura process (bits; dip; roll; fry) and then cut the roll, warm on the outside, cool on the inside, into four or five large slices for presentation.

Bits in the Chinese Restaurant

Another "secret" (that's probably obvious to those experienced in cooking) lies in the bowls of crispy chips placed on the tables at Chinese restaurants (normally next to a small dish of sweet and sour sauce; "duck sauce" to some). Some restaurants purchase these pre-made and sealed in bags. These are the type that are stringy, and kinda look like crispy spaghetti. That's because the stuff is deep-fried spaghetti. The pre-made types are made via a process that enhances their ability to remain crispy long after the bag's been opened. Additionally, myriad food additives are included to ensure that the crispiness lingers a long time after exposure to damp, fresh air. These are also offered for sale in supermarkets. They are called "chow mein noodles." They are considered Chinese even though both chow mein and the noodles indicated to go therewith have nothing at all to do with authentic Chinese cuisine. Okay, okay, there's a convoluted relationship; they're a distant cousin of the Chinese liam mein huang; a fried thin-noodle "pancake" served covered with either seafood or meat, vegetables and savory sauce.

Another type of fried noodle is found on the tables of more distinguished Chinese restaurants. They're typically wide, flat and covered with crispy, delightful bubbles outside. And they're delicious compared to the tasteless/floury pre-packaged type. They begin their lives as won ton wrappers. The fresh pasta wrappers are cut into 1" by 2" pieces and are then separated and allowed to dry out just a little bit before frying. The cut pasta is then deep-fried in a fryalator filled with grease that's probably been used to cook orders of chicken-on-a-stick, beef-on-a-stick, fried shrimp, egg rolls, and the tasty, fry-coated hunks of chicken and dough which become "General Tso's Chicken." Thus the familiar but not-quite-identifiable taste that Chinese-restaurant frequenters love. Because only soy oil is used, (not the additive-filled, hydrolized grease products cheap diners use that extend the useable life of the grease) they're light in color (but not as light as tempura) and aren't quite as bad for one as noodles cooked in heavy-duty grease or worse.

Now, do chow mein noodles qualify as bits? Only your upvotes or (Heaven forbid) downvotes will tell. Before you vote, just think of them as "Super-Sized" bits.

With this piece I've violated one of E2's cardinal rules; never refer to other nodes, as they might disappear into thin air at any time. NODE FOR THE AGES! It is my sincere hope that my blatant violation is overlooked by even the most persnickety readers because I just HAD to jump on the bits bandwagon! UPDATE: Apollyon /msged me and told me this might just become an E2 meme!

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