Driving in the UK
can be an extremely exciting experience, if you keep in mind the idiosyncracies
- Never, ever get into the correct lane at a junction. It is far better to suddenly veer over at the last possible second than to simply take the first exit on the incorrect route and try to find your way back.
- The speed limits are never correctly signposted. In a '30' zone, you should be doing a bare minimum of 40mph.
- Carrying on from #2, the national speed limit is in fact a mere helpful suggestion. On the motorways especially, you are encouraged to drive as fast and aggressively as possible.
- If you are towing a caravan, or driving certain types of car (Ford Ka, Citroen C2, anything older than a 1989 'G' reg) you are required to drive at no greater than 35mph on the motorway at all times.
- The size, age and condition of your car is inversely proportional to the number of occupants and/or cargo you're carrying. As examples, a decent Vauxhall Vectra should carry two-three passengers. A huge BMW M5 should contain one man in a blue shirt and yellow tie. A rusty Peugeot 205 should carry seven passengers, a pallet of bricks, and be towing a railway carriage to the scrapyard.
- If someone has been waiting at a give way line for ages, don't stop and let them out. If there is a line of traffic, ensure you stop and block the other car's egress.
- When overtaking a stopped bus, swerve as wildly and quickly into the oncoming lane as possible.
- If you and an oncoming car are approaching a narrow section where only one car can fit, be sure to accelerate as quickly as possible to terrify the other driver into yielding.
- If the other driver hasn't yielded, you must both force your way through the tiny gap simultaneously. Ignore the sparks and snapping mirrors.
- Never gesture thanks if you're female.
- 'Give way to oncoming traffic' signs actually mean, 'accelerate and try and get through first'.
- Never, ever indicate on a roundabout. Take the most confusing path possible around so other drivers cannot anticipate which exit you're taking.
- Always form the most solid line of cars possible around entrance slip roads to prevent other cars entering the motorway.
- It is safe to overtake in the third lane and then cut across to the exit if you've passed the 200-yard marker.
- Remember: speed cameras only care that you obey the speed limit in their effective area. You are free to accelerate away once you've passed the white lines.
- If you need to stop at the side of the road, ensure you choose the most awkward position possible. These can include bus lanes, double yellow lines, school zones or whatever side of the road has the least parked cars.
- If someone honks at you for dozing at a green light, they are an arsehole and deserve a rude gesture!
- The third lane (fast) lane of the motorway is reserved for the exclusive use of Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz drivers. If you own such a car and encounter another manufacturer's vehicle in the fast lane, it is your duty to run them off the road, or at least out of the fast lane.
Here are a few local traffic rules for use around the UK:
Cardiff, South Wales
- A busy road is the perfect place to do maneuvering.
- When parallel parking, ensure you park as close as possible to the car behind. This maximises the amount of space available on that street!
Bradford, West Yorkshire
- Give way lines are aptly named... when you arrive at one, stick the nose of your car out so far into the other road that cars will have to stop to avoid hitting you, thus 'giving way' so you can get out!
- It is acceptable behaviour to block the entire westbound lane when making a right turn into the eastbound lane of a road.
St Albans, Hertfordshire
- You are encouraged to overtake an entire line of stopped traffic by using the oncoming lane if your turn is only three streets ahead.
- Pedestrians are contemptible fools. Ignore them.