I shall begin, without reservation, by stating that I am a fan of the Ho-Ho. It is tasty, velvety smooth and conveniently pocket sized. Wrapped up tight for the bachelor on the go with an appetite.

Admittedly, the Ho-Ho may not be the most nutritious or waist pleasing snack, but like narcotics they are difficult to kick. Once you probe your tongue betwixt the spongy chocolate folds, searching for the elusive but divinely creamy filling... Uhm... If you don't know I can't exactly explain it. Suffice it to say I'm a fan of the Ho-Ho.

I normally keep a box in my cupboard to satisfy the odd craving that sometimes overcomes me. Nestled closely is a box of Twinkies, just in case I have a golden brown groove instead of a chocolate hankering. I'm really a junkie for the junk food.

This evening I had the urge for a Ho-Ho, and proceeded as normal, to lovingly release it from the cellophane prison that Hostess had so cruelly protected it in. I savored its appearance, and like any true connoisseur, I waited that one last instant before diving in, to really relish it. I think Millhouse said it best when he described it as letting the Eskimo Pie get "just a little melty." I chewed. It tasted odd. I looked at the remains in my hand. I was horrified.

While Twinkies may have no apparent end to their bountiful shelf life, Ho-Hos are a different story. I had been laying off the snacks, assuming that they would last until my SO stopped complaining about my weight. Like they say, Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Ho-Hos are very mortal.

The once heavenly creamy filling of my beloved snack product was run through with icky black fungus. Millions of invading spores had robbed my chocolate beauty of her virginity before I had the opportunity to fully explore her delights. It was moldy.

I spit it out and washed the now repugnantly sweet ickor from my mouth. I was appalled.

Now, two precious treasures remain in the box that is clearly marked with a December eighth expiration date. Are they bad as well? What a manically mundane exercise in Schrodinger speculation. If I never open those remaining Ho-Hos, I shall never have to witness their defilement. On the other hand, I can't simply throw them out if they are still good.

Such tribulations men must go through these days. What shall I do? Of course there's still the box of Twinkies, and we know those never go bad. Right?

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