The porterhouse steak is, sadly, frequently mis-identified as a t-bone and vice versa. It is nothing of the sort, though it may come from the same general part of the cow.

A properly cut, aged, and prepared porterhouse, IMNSHO, is the best steak. PERIOD. People whine and whimper, 'Oh, what about the filet mingon? Or the top sirloin?'

These people are freaking idiots and should NOT, under ANY circumstances, be allowed near any proper steakhouse, BBQ, charcoal pit, or any other symbol (real or imagined) of elevated carnivorous behavior. A steak isn't a little sliver of beef wrapped in bacon and presented on a white plate with a sprig of some sort of pretentious green matter, as if you just happened to bring your pet rabbit along to eat a large, hoofed mammal with you. A steak, and your experiences enjoying it, should invoke memories of roasting animals over an open fire with your fellow hunters. IF THIS MEANS YOU AND YOU'VE TAKEN OFFENSE, STOP READING THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! You do not have the qualifications to view the following, and your eyes will melt out of your skull if you proceed, leaving you with useless sockets of dessicated carbon.

A porterhouse is a cut of beef that is similar the doggrel t-bone. It is a much thicker and more marbled cut, with much less bone. It is taken from either side of the steer, from the top, behind the ribs and before the short loin, which is well before the sirloin.

A porterhouse gets its name from a porter house, a coach stop at which travelers could dine on upon steak and ale. One of Mark Twain's favorite meals was a pan-fried porterhouse steak with mushrooms and peas.

As with any good beef, it should be properly aged before cooking. Aging beef involves taking a specific cut, in this case, the loins, and allowing air to circulate around it in a temperature controlled environment. (Like a meat locker.) Aging beef increases its tenderness and flavor and allows some unfavorable liquids to drain away.

After aging, the cut is butchered into steaks. The freshly butchered steaks should be cooked and consumed as soon as possible.

To cook a porterhouse is mere simplicity. There is only one, true, right way to cook it, and a million-billion wrong ways. (These rules apply to almost any steak, as well.)

You will need a medium-hot fire, preferably a grill. You should be able to hold your hand at about the level the steak is going to cook for about 2-3 seconds. NO LESS, AND NO MORE!

You will need quality meat. YOU WILL NOT FIND THIS AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET. (Unless your local supermarket happens to be a Whole Foods Market (TM) or something similar.) Find a good specialty butcher. I recommend free range grass fed, 100% organic, New Zealand beef. Organic corn-fed will do. USDA Prime is what you are looking for, or better. If you can get your hands on a full-sized porterhouse cut from Kobe beef, please call me to arrange the performance of degrading sexual favors in exchange for morsels and table scraps - I'll even lick the plate. Hell, I'll lick whatever you want for a porterhouse cut from Kobe beef. Remember, we want a porterhouse, not some skinny-ass t-bone. A proper porterhouse cut is more than an inch thick, full of wonderful veins of fat marbling through it.

You may, if you so choose, rub a small amount of sea salt or kosher salt to one or both sides your porterhouse. A small amount. Some may find this light salting to be entirely heretical, but I find that it brings out the juices just a bit and helps bring out the natural flavors. A quick pan-searing to seal in the juices just prior to flame-broiling is also a valid option, but except for the thickest, juiciest and most special cuts of porterhouse it's probably just extra work. Don't soak it, marinade it, put BBQ sauce or A1 on it or anything else. Don't stuff it with vegetable goo, even if it is prime organic garlic. Don't molest the steak, damn it. DOING SO WILL REVEAL YOU AS AN INFIDEL. I will hear about it, and I will hunt you down and force you to eat rabbit food the rest of your life. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE STEAK, OK?

Now, your steak is prepared and ready to be cooked. You may like it rare, medium, or well done. I strongly suggest somewhere between a rare and a medium, no more than a medium-well. Take it to the grill or other source of heat. DO NOT JAB IT WITH SOME HEATHEN'S INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE. No forks, no puncture wounds, OK? PICK UP THE STEAK WITH YOUR FINGERS! Place it gently on the grill. If you molest your steak, and you hear lots of juices hitting the flames during cooking, that means YOU'RE FUCKING TOUCHING THE STEAK! Don't do it! JUST FUCKING DON'T!

Leave the steak there. About 5-6 minutes on the first side for rare, as much as 10-15 minutes for well done. I personally go about 7-9 minutes on the first side for a delectable medium-rare. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE STEAK! Just let it sit there, happy.

Now, we turn over the steak, again observing the no-puncture-wounds-rule. Don't jab it with a fork, don't cut it to see what it's doing on the inside. Grab the tongs, and very gently flip it over. Cook it about half to two-thirds as long as you did the first time.

Remove the steak. Don't flip it twice. If your grill was the right temperature, it is done. Don't fucking do anything else but slap it, gently, on to a plate.

Eat the steak. Enjoy the steak! You will find that a steak knife is practically pointless, as the steak is so tender and juicy it may very well fall apart with a fork. (Mine do.) The first cut releases a savory flow of juices and aromas. Don't even THINK of reaching for that crusty bottle of A-1 in the fridge. Don't even fuck with this steak, because it may well be the best steak you've ever had.

You may add a small, small amount of salt, or even pepper. If you MUST muck about with steak sauce, make sure it's something better than A1, and don't just pour it all over the steak. Make a small puddle far away from the steak, and dip your savory nuggets in the puddle. If you come to your obviously delusional senses, you'll be glad that the steak isn't swimming in it.

and this is one of those nodeshells that was left criminally blank. i about commited suicide when i saw it so, sitting here, all alone and quiet and dead.


and my own goddamn badassery when it comes to cooking dead things over fire. enjoy!

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