Losing a job can be one of the most humiliating events possible. There you are, tooling along one fine jack dandy of a morning when in swoops the boss like a vengeful imp from darkest pits of Dis and Discord, proclaiming "Thou hast offended thy customers mightily and for thine wickedness thou shalt suffer the indegnities of yonder unemployment."

Or that's what he would've said if my boss was an infernal demon and not a very large black man. Back to the subject.

So you are handed a pittance sum, told what a loss it is to the company and then escorted out by security to insure that in your obviously unstable state of mind you do not try to ransack the building or steal a box of paperclips.

Since this all occured on a friday (studies show that terminating personnel on fridays reduces the possibility of incidents in the workplace. I believe this is simply because most recently-fired individuals are just to impatient to wait until Monday to create an incident in the workplace.), you now have an entire weekend to brood, mope, be disgruntled and work on your resume.

Updating your resume can be viewed as a path to enlightenment or simply a chance to stroke the old ego. You weren't a "Cashier" you were a "client based freelance monetary negotiator". Making change orders at the bank is not as impressive sounding as "Guarenteed the safe transport and exchange of large scale cash amounts". You didn't sell video game magazines to kids who can't read and parents that can't count, you "Institued multi-cultural literacy programs across a spectrum of economic stratas". Little upgrades like these make you sound less like the piece of semi-sentient furniture your company viewed you as and more like the gun-toting, robot killing bad ass sent from the future to save the company today that you were. Why, with a resume like this, the first job you spot is bound to pick you up, triple your previous pay, give you permission to institute casual sex fridays and pay off your car loan.

So off you go. You eschew the fabled "Old Boys Network," where a friend of a friend can get you a great position at their company, and head straight for the want ads.

The Want Ads. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Want ads are placed by companies that aren't really looking to hire but really need the spare paper that resumes provide in order to meet their monthly paper recycling quota. You turn in your resume, fill out the application and then are told you could be called as early as next week (translation: "My boss has a nephew/niece that they're going to hire instead but thanks for the paper, once it's pulped and softened we'll use it for toilet tissue"). But look at it this way, for the cost of several hours of your time plus dozens of resumes on your part, you are supplying a company that you don't work for with enough toilet tissue to last them a year. So after delivering several tons of soon to be toilet paper, you finally get a call back, scheduling an interview (Note: HR never calls to tell you that someone else has been selected for the position. In fact, if you never hear from the HR of the company that you applied to it means that they are doing their jobs and being paid for not calling you. Strange but true)

The interview itself, when finally scheduled, is worse than any military obstacle course you would care to put yourself through. The worse that can happen at an obstacle course is that a grenade goes off and you are instantly killed. Interviews slowly maim and devour your still living bits. Questions like "What is your worse trait/habit" "If you had a warning sign, what would it read" and "You see a customer slip something into their coat, do you report it". For those playing at home, the incorrect responses are "chronic workplace masturbation" "Breast Inspector" and "Set them on fire". These sort of responses single you out and show that you are Not a Team Player.

So assuming that you avoid the pratfalls and perils of the interview let us say you get the job. Granted, because you've been searching for weeks, are down to eating that thing in the back of the fridge that's been there since last christmas and have resorted to turning tricks behind the 7-11 in order to cover gas money, the job is not quite what you would've liked. Same/lower pay, no perks and having to go through the "Meeting everyone else who works there so that they know your name when they come to spit on the new guy" ceremony. But, at least you're working and have successfully passed through the dark valley of unemployment. You can sit safe and secure in your new job and only have to worry about the next boss/imp to sneak up on you.

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