This is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's which is the skool I am at. It is uterly wet and weedy as I shall (I hope) make clear but of course that is the same with all skools.

e.g. they are nothing but kanes, lat. french, geog. hist. algy, geom, headmasters, skool dogs, skool sossages, my bro molesworth 2 and MASTERS everywhere.

The only good things about skool are the BOYS wizz who are noble brave fearless etc. although you have various swots, bulies, cissies, milksops greedy guts and oiks with whom i am forced to mingle hem-hem.

In fact any skool is a bit of a shambles.


Molesworth is the hero of the four books by Geoffrey Willans, a former skoolmaster, and Ronald Searle, the ilustrator even better knon as the creator of the gurls skool St Trinian's and who have not been able to liv it down since chiz*. The books are called Down With Skool!, How to be Topp, Back in the Jug Agane, and Whizz for Atomms, and appeared in the 1950s in Brittian when we were still top nation hurra on account of our clasical learning and fine tradittions hem-hem such as confining boys in boarding skools and feeding them rice pud and PRUNES ugh.

After discussing the history of st custard's (it was built by a madman in 1836) molesworth introduce us to his grate friend peason, who hav a face like a squished tomato and with whom he constantly argues saying 'tis 'tisn't 'tis 'tisn't until his bro molesworth 2 zoom by pretending to be a bomber shooting people and the skool dog, or they decide to go and tuough up some tinies. There is also fotherington-tomas who like skipping and peotry and say hullo clouds hullo sky and blub when you tell him the fairies at the bottom of the garden are really the skool gardener sleeping off last night's BEER. Then there is grabber major whose pater is v rich enuff said and who is therefore head of the skool, victor in all the games, and winner of the mrs joyful prize for rafia work given the usual amount.

molesworth and peason spend their time devising wizard wheezes to avoid the questions of masters for all boys hav o branes and frankly my dear do not care what the pluperfect of confiteor is either, or whether il y a des loups a la mer because Armand who ask it in the french book is uterly wet and a weed and is covered by a blot in the shape of a space-ship.

They are also keen on inventing super electronic machines to do their lessons, and fantasize about living in the world of the Dan Dare comics in the far future, as well as in the ancient world of Balbus who spent his days building a wall, and Pythagoras who discusses triangles with his wife over breakfast.

They present detailed studies of the different kinds of KANE that the headmaster keep (approx 10000023), of how to deal with gurls, parents, visiting teachers, bad reports, and the skool pla when molesworth hav to be prince charming and dress up in silk tights chiz chiz chiz.

When the day of the pla comes all the parents are driven into skool hall and locked in so none can escape. Prince charming zoom upon the stage and pla begin:

PRINCE CHARMING: 'pon my soul it is indeed a pritty wench. Who art thou?

CINDERELLA: I am Cinderella.

PRINCE CHARMING: Thou art not thou art peason with a lot of rouge lipstick and a straw wig and thou lookest like the wrath of god.

CINDERELLA (dimpling): And thou molesworth 1 thou canst not call thyself prince charming when thou hast a face like a mad baboon.

PRINCE CHARMING: I will tuough you up for that my pritty maid.

CINDERELLA: Yar boo sucks thou art much too girly in thy white silk tights that are made from i kno not what. Thou couldst not tuough up a flea ha-ha-hee.

One of the delites of my childhood, and it helped make me the sick twisted person I am now hurra.

* a chiz is a swiz or swindle as any fule kno

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