I slept better last night than I did the night before. I woke up early, but laid in bed for a while so as not to disturb the girls who were up late. Yesterday my mom and sister took the girls shopping. I remember being in school and longing for the quantity of clothes my classmates had. My hair was strange, I didn't fit in, I didn't know how to flirt with the guys, some things never change. I'm flirty, but in a general sense. I don't really flirt with people that I'm interested in or want to go out with very often. I feel awkward and unsure of myself around them. Today I am confused. I want to write about the things that are very deep inside of me, but I don't know how to get at them. Today I am not interested in writing. I want to take a long nap, sit outside, and write. The other day we discussed me staying at the house. Now he's changing his mind. I do this too and it's so annoying. I have a headache and I'm tired from the work I did yesterday. I overcooked the tenderloin because I was tired. I didn't reward myself properly for getting the food prepared. I feel like I shouldn't need a reward for that, but I want one anyways. Jill threw a pair of leggings at Jane. They hit her in the head and the plastic part hurt her. We don't get enough sleep or exercise. I know I need to get better at this. Having two households is exhausting. He wants to get some air purifers for the condo. I want to sell both places and forget we ever lived in either of them. I'm craving something sweet and chocolately. But I need to lose weight.
Yesterday I ate really well. I'm proud of the way the beef turned out. I started a new book. This time I'm not going to rewrite it. I tell myself this everytime. This time I bought a special notebook. Maybe I will end up rewriting it. I don't know, I don't care. I have bigger problems than a potential waste of a three dollar notebook with silver on the edges of the pages. I wrote a check to church. The rest of my life is yawning before me. I have to get a job. I don't know what I should be when I grow up and that terrifies me so I end up not doing anything about it. I could go back to school, but that will drain the money I have and who knows if I will end up wanting to be a nurse or a dental assistant. There are jobs I can get now with the skills that I have. I made the girls take a walk around the block before church. It felt like one of the hardest things I have ever done. All day, every day. I've been a single mom for years, not really, but really. When the girls were babies I did almost everything. He would give them a bottle and stay up at night with them, but he didn't play with them or read to them. He would hold them while he was on the computer, but he wouldn't take them places by himself. It wasn't fair and I should have said something, but I felt that things wouldn't change if I didn't speal up. I was a martyr and a victim. I was too tired to argue. I still feel too tired to put up much of a fight. Is that physical, chemical, or mental? I don't know that either. Some combination of all? I would believe that.
The government needs a copy of our taxes before they will approve my health insurance request. I might end up not getting it due to income restrictions. When I worked full time, health insurance cost me dearly. I doubt I could afford to use it even if I get a job where it's available. I feel like the government should stay out of healthcare unless we're going to nationalize it, but I don't really want that to happen either. I hear about other countries where people have better heathcare options. This is a great country and the land of opportunity, but I shouldn't question that the rich are getting richer while the poor and middle class are getting squeezed. I can't afford to be philosophical about money. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Jill wants me to take her to Target and buy a comforter. There's no room for that trip in my budget. The days are ticking by, too slow, and way too fast. I got an email from a friend of mine who is getting older and working too hard for seven other people. She can't keep up, her daughter is acting up, we're growing older, but maybe not wiser. I don't feel depressed, but I know that I am because I don't feel like I really have anything to look forward to in life. The girls put a blanket over the computer on the floor. I found wrappers, a dirty bowl, and a glass of water near it. But at least the house is cleaner than it was.
I'm almost done with my ADD book. I'm scared to finish it because I don't know what I'm going to do next. The book was helping me by mapping out the problems and giving me some solutions. I would love a time tutor. I have problems managing my time well under the best of circumstances. I'm proud of myself for not quitting, for not giving up and for putting what feels like a great effort into writing this. I doubt it looks as if I spent a lot of energy composing it, in some ways, that's true since I've been writing for so long it seems automatic. But it is draining and I'm so tired. I'm crabby and irritable and I just want to fall in my bed and not wake up for hundreds of years, maybe I don't ever want to wake up. I'm supposed to be spending more time with my daughter, but we can't agree on what we should do. She already spends so much time in front of the screen. I spend a lot of my time there too. I want a break. I want to go to my room and not leave. I want food delivered to my door and the dishes carried away for me. Laundry will disappear and reappear, clean sheets will be neatly folded. My bed will smell good. The pillow will be waiting for me. When will I wake up and snap out of this funk? I don't know. I need help. I can do this, but how will I get to that place I think might be beyond where I'm at now?