Yesterday I faced things that I've been avoiding for years. It's shocking and appalling that I've put off dealing with the things that I have, and a scary, yet welcome sign of progress that I'm finally starting to take some healthier steps toward adult behavior. I pride myself on being able to organize paperwork and keep important documents in a spot where they are easily located by anyone who may need them. I was able to whittle the collection down to the folders that fit into a basket I keep beside my desk and I was quite proud of that fact. I'm not the sort of person who lets mail pile up or throws out paperwork they may need later. Every month I bundle my receipts together and stick them in an envelope with the month and year on them just in case.

All of this is leading up to the moment back in January when I should have received a 1099 from the company that holds my retirement account. I don't remember ever seeing this form and it wasn't in with my tax paperwork. Yesterday I received some IRA contribution forms that reminded me that I owed money on a Roth IRA conversion. It's not a great deal of money, but the IRS frowns upon such things. I used to be a saver. Before my check arrived money had been funneled into my retirement account. I started when I was 21 and have saved a paltry amount considering that I am almost 42. But yesterday I called the company, set up a new individual account to transfer some stocks over, and asked for some deposit forms so I can start contributing to a retirement account again.

My inactivity and passivity has cost me. More and more I'm realizing that it isn't what happens, it's what you do and how you respond. I can be upset with myself and my ex for not saving, or I can channel that into a more positive direction. Yesterday my mom called to tell me about a temporary position that's opening in her company. I don't want to work with my mom, my skills lie in other directions, but I can no longer afford to turn down opportunities that are disguised as hard, less than glamorous work. I'm still hoping to hear from the storage company. I never heard back from the oral surgeons which was disappointing, but I'm giving myself credit for searching for jobs which is something I've avoided in the past.

It's gratifying to be able to open the garbage can and see a few plastic items inside. I own fewer clothes which means less laundry. I'm getting better at getting outside even if it's just for a short walk around the block. For months my left foot has been tender and painful. I don't move and exercise the way that I want, but I'm more aware of this and it's bothering me more. I have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Another milestone, I've dropped all of my medications with the occasional exception of something for sleep. I started a hard core aggressive savings plan. It hurts. It's hard. It doesn't feel good, but we're nine days into the month and every penny that's still sitting in my checking account is a victory.

The used modem I bought didn't come with a power brick. After purchasing one, I discovered that the modem itself randomly turns on and off. This is unacceptable. My ex is going to order a different modem for me so we can take the modem I'm using back to Time Warner and get credit for it. I'm grateful for an internet connection and not happy that I'm out seventy dollars on a worthless modem and power brick I won't be using. Such is life. I'm angry, annoyed, frustrated, and worried about the 1099 income I owe. I let my ex take both girls on his taxes and lost money that way. That's on me. I can't be mad at him for that. Forgiving others is much easier than forgiving myself, but I'm making strides there too. It doesn't feel good to sit at home anymore. It never felt good. I'm finally doing something about it. Go me. 

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