Today is my aunt's birthday. I spent a large portion of the past weekend with family and another major part of the time cleaning and organizing. I thought that my ex would be inside the house on Saturday so I made sure things were clean, I enjoy getting up early anyways, Saturday morning I was scrubbing and vacuuming while the girls slept through the noise. After they went to Summerfest I puttered around for a while thinking about them and wondering if they were having a good time. For some reason I thought that the get together at my sister's was for the evening meal so after I went shopping - I went to a discount remodeling store in Milwaukee and then stopped at the grocery store - I ended up being late to the party which was no big deal, but still embarrrassing. I got to see my nieces run through the sprinkler, my sister and I took a long walk, my middle sister is expecting a baby so we talked about how she's feeling and the rest of us shared what we wished we had differently and things that worked for us. My sister doesn't want a shower so we probably won't have one for her. My other two sisters tried to explain their reasoning, but like many attempts to get others to see a view that isn't their own, it didn't really do anything except draw out what was already a slightly uncomfortable conversation.

While I was at the remodeling store I wished I had someone with me to help work through what would work in the bathroom as far as flooring goes. I found a spectacular piece of black and pink granite that I might have bought had I had the money. I wandered around looking at rugs, light fixtures, and economy sized boxes of plastic sandwich bags that I wanted to buy even though we rarely use them and have plenty in the box at home. Another thing I wanted was two blue and green pillows for my back room. Now that I'm home I think they would go with the carpeting and not look too bad with the couch. I really want to paint and finish the woodwork, that's always bothered me, there are so many things I could do around here if I had more money and know how, but for now I'm seeing more and more things come together and knowing I did the majority of that by myself is pretty darn cool. I must have been in a spending mood yesterday because I bought a lot of things including a dress for my cousin's wedding. I guess flooring, dress and groceries isn't a ton of things, but it felt like a lot for me. I drove in to meet my aunt, she gave me a check for gas which I really aprpeciated. I'm thinking about the trip, snacks, hotel room, gift, and I'm trying really hard not to worry about the money, but it's in the back of my mind. 

We were going through old pictures last night. My youngest sister has a scrap book my grandmother put together after my dad was born so we got to see the receipt for his birth certificate which was a whole dollar. There was old German money in there, we weren't sure why it was in there, my grandfather was a soldier during WWII so we speculated that it may have been his. I saw pictures of myself as a baby, there's a black and white picture of me and my parents where they actually look happy. That was strange to see. Both of my grandmothers played favorites, on my dad's side he and his brother were the favored children while my aunt who dutifully cared for my grandmother until she passed away was..., I'll just say not treated well. Something happened and now I'm too upset to write anymore. The worst part about getting divorced is how I think I'm over the worst of it and then something new comes along to kick me in the teeth. There's no escape, no way out, it will get better, but I'll never be free. Not now, not when the girls turn eighteen, I'll always have ties with someone that I chose to marry. I was talking to my sisters about this the other day. I'm glad we're getting along better. I know they care despite how it feels sometimes, and right now they're people I can turn to and talk to about this kind of thing. 

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