As you probably know I've spent a whole lotta time trying to figure out life, universe and everything...
Lately I've been feeling that I'm getting a little closer, but still nowhere near there.
On the 31st we were shopping with wifey in Fitzroy and in one of the shops someone was buying some *funky* herbal smokes.
I'm not big on drugs, especially the weedy kind, it's always just put me on my ass and was no fun, and after my brother died, you can imagine that I wasn't excited to jump onto that scene, but I felt like this was something that I needed to do.
So we got home and I had a couple of puffs and within seconds I had an "oh shit" moment and went to the bedroom.
To explain the rest will take a while... however if you've seen the movie "The Fountain" 2006, you'll know what I mean - that movie is ridiculously close to the truth (I'm not sure how the tree of life fits into it though).
Anyway, I felt like I was reliving this and previous lives over and over again and it's as if I was travelling through time and multiple universes, slowing down in one or the other and felt overwelmed, like I was flying through membranes of universes and as I went from one to the other, the new one would come with it's own life and I'd feel like I've lived another lifetime.
It was always Rimzy and me, and then I was a hippie in a different universe and then she was from the Cleopatra times, etc, over and over and it was always a fight within me between (what I called) The beast and Rimzy, between Dark and Light.
But between these, there were moments where I didn't know who I was, I felt like there was Tetya Zoya and I was Anton or sometimes Artem and she's saying what's wrong Anton? and I keep saying that I'm Stas - at this point I'm trying to regain the sense of reality, everything being mixed up, feeling like maybe I'm a schizophrenic in that reality or this one.
As I slowly returned, I remembered a lot of the stuff, but some of it was confusing and scary.
It felt like life was like being on the verge of tears, continuously either fighting the tears or giving in, in burst, in build ups, like music, building up to almost the end, then dying down to give you rest.
I even went to see mum because I felt like maybe something happened with Zoya or Anton when I was little, she couldn't think of anything.
Next couple of days I've been thinking about everything and have been waking up at 1 or 2am and not sleeping, but meditating trying to figure out the memories, etc. a lot of it was jumbled up
I cried properly for the first time since I can remember, my brain usually holds me back and I can't let go, but this time, finally, cried like a baby.
A lot of this is probably only relevant to me and I'm trying to leave out most of that.
I wasn't sure if I've completely lost the plot or finally understood something, but the more time I had and more *forced* meditation (keep waking up) I feel like this is what people call spiritual awakening.
Now for the good stuff:
Yesterday morning I woke up at 1am, couldn't sleep and started meditating again, I felt like I was white energy (I've attached some pictures to try to describe all this) and I realised that I need to help myself, so I went back to my toughest moments in life and helped my younger self through the tough moments - then I saw my brother and came up to him trying to help him, I put my *arm* on his shoulder, I said "my brain is not big enough to help you, but I love you" and gave him a hug and when I opened my arms he was gone, but he was inside me.
I feel like everything I've learned, everyone I knew, every movie I've seen was meant to be, to get me to here.
I feel like my brain has been blown out and re-arranged to make sense of everything and put back in (with no new knowledge), from what I understand of the universe, it's quite like what I thought, but I could never have imagined, it's like you have to feel it, it's the only way to understand it.
(I still feel like I'm the raving lunatics that I didn't bother listening to/reading, but I don't mind, because I feel good and life finally feels right)
To visualize and to try to explain, here is a simplified version of what saw the universe like:
Reality is a bubble, lets say this one, every choice that is made splits that bubble into an alternative reality bubble and so on - they all co-exist at the same time, so there's bubbles galore.
If the choice that's made is good, the bubble colour changes to a whiter shade, if a bad choice is made, it gets darker and if no choice is made, it continues as is.
These realities are part of the, lets call it multiverse and it looks like a multi-dimensional Yin-Yang (A spherical one, but more complex) - the white dot is the enlightenment, black dot takes you back and you have to go over all this again.
I've always struggled to conceptualize that extra dimension (I call it stupid maths), so I've attached a drawing of a Klein bottle, which is an attempt to represent the extra dimension - take two of these, put them together and you get the multidimensional multiverse.
This is ridiculously hard to explain and I have a feeling that once again, this understanding of the universe depends on the individual and their knowledge.
This is all days after the funky herbal stuff, so I'm hoping that it is meditation..
I snapped out from meditation with the following narration as I was flying though the multiverse:
"As the infinite universes collide in on themselves in a symphony of life, approaching the final ecstasy, your final thought is: "You are...""
and i have to fill in the blank.
I had many answers, but by then I was using my brain, so I assumed that I'd be wrong, but I answered it with GOOD.
Using that as my foundation, my meditations have become better and I'm not as scared of the darker sides.
This morning I woke up with "You are... me and I am you and we are all together.... lalal" - The Beatles song.
This is so unlike my thinking that if you told me that I wrote this two weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it :)
(I'm sure you're wondering about my mental health too)
In conclusion, I feel that all religions, spiritual teachings and science are trying to explain the same thing, the problem is that this thing is so uncomprehendingly mindbogglingly complicated that the only way us puny humans can try to comprehend it, is to feel it with our soul, not our little brains.
I finally comprehend the whole "living in the moment" ideology, and I mean FULLY comprehend it, as well as many other things I never thought I would.
The only thing that matters while living in the moment is making choices, now is the only time in multiple eternities where someone can make a choice and I feel like I've lived through the purgatory enough lifetimes to scare me straight :)
I feel like I've been doing this for so very very long (living), and I'm ready for the final run - I remember talking to a Buddhist who said that they looked forward to the nothingness and I couldn't comprehend it, I thought it was depressing, until now.
I feel like I see the positive side of things and people again, like I used to when I was younger before I lost my way.
Yesterday felt like the best day of my life, we went to the beach and rolled around in the water, the water was amazingly blue, as good as the best resorts anywhere in the world.
I feel rushed now, like I've wasted so much time that I need to try to get as much done as I can - it makes me wonder if I'll live much longer, it seems that people tend to die not long after these kind of revelations, but I'm not fussed about that, just the people that it might affect. (mum says her psychics say I'll live til 80, they're probably right, nothing's ever easy for me:)
My brother spoke about some of this stuff with me (not this crazily) and looking back on it I feel like he definitely understood a lot of this.
Oh, within a few minutes of realising the importance of choice I stopped drinking.
I also proposed to wifey the following day, but we've had a very rough relationship and I've been quite terrible to her, so she said no and is moving out in the next few weeks, we are on better terms than we have ever been so after some crying on both parts we are fine. I feel like it's been a cat and mouse game with her my whole existence, so I'm Ok.
On a lighter note, this reminded me of Napoleon XIV - They're coming to take me away