I've been having this feeling that the last four years of my life have been wasted for quite some time, and today I reached a crossroads.

The Plan

I've been going to college for almost four years now, majoring in Law Enforcement. I've enough credits now to graduate with an AD in General Studies, and I'm only two classes shy of my AD in Law Enforcement. The plan all along has been to get the degrees, go to the academy, then join the Police Corps program in either Kentucky or Florida, and be a cop in a large city in one of those states. While I'm a police officer, the state will pay for me to continue my education. I could get my BAs in Theatre and English, then retire at the age of 45 and go teach high school.

The Present

I've been unemployed for about a year now; just going to school, leeching off my parents, and trying to find an interesting job. I did get the opportunity to learn a new trade this summer when a local production company ran an ad in the paper looking for a cast and crew for a movie they were shooting. With my seven years of doing tech work at the regional theatre, I was able to get a job as the head sound tech. Two months later, after having a lot of fun and headaches, we had to scrap the project when the producer lost $300,000 in the stock market. I was going to be paid in a percentage of the profits, so I didn't get a penny for all my hard work, but I do have something new to put on my résumé.

Setting the Stage

In early October, I was drafted to help my father set up equipment for his band at a local fundraiser for the American Cancer Association. After I set everything up, I went over to help a lady that was setting up a PA for announcements, raffle prizes, and such. I helped her for about an hour by holding the drawing bucket, running errands and what not, then she wanted to take a break. She handed me the microphone and took off. I ended up MCing the event for the last two hours. The PA system was being run out of a van owned by one of the local radio stations. At the end of the night, the public relations guy came over and gave me his card, telling me he was really impressed and to call the station manager about a job. I was excited, to say the least. I got my résumé together, went down to the station, and filled out an application. They called me back and I went in for an interview the first week of November. Everything went well, they gave me a tour of the station, told me they would call, then I didn't hear from them until last Thursday.

The Monkey Wrench

The radio station now wants me to be an intern for their morning show. They are having a promotional event next week where I'll be competing with someone else for the position, but I'm pretty sure it's a gimmick, at least that's the way they make it sound. I'll be working with Gretchen Cordy from Survivor, it'll be a great learning experience, and it's a foot in the door for landing a paying job in the radio field. I'm really excited by it, and so are my parents. I had no idea how excited they were until this morning. The radio station called again to tell me to plan on coming down there all next week for the competition. I went to tell my mother and she dropped a bombshell on me... "Well, your father and I have been talking. If you get this job at the radio station, we'll talk to your grandfather and he'll send you ten thousand dollars for you to change your major to broadcasting, transfer to Austin Peay and buy you a car."

"Uh, ok, sure....WHAT?"

Needless to say, I'm quite stumped. I have no idea what to do or say. Should I abandon the plan I have made for the rest of my life for some pipe dream of making it in the radio industry? Should I just stick to my guns and regret not taking the chance of a lifetime? My future holds so much hope now... Why am I so afraid?

Trade Mark around. I awoke this morning to the sound of silence. My first thought was of Candle. I twisted the knob on my halogen lamp and there was light. I started to write again in my Tomb of Existence, my Tome. It was merely a review of my own history. Or was it?

Eden, my brother, and Teardrop, his wife, smiled. Candle waited in breathless anticipation. Eden was wearing a gray sweatshirt yesterday, grounded in the possibilities of science. Teardrop reflected on all of reality and unreality. My parents had chosen blue instead of green or gray. They would become my top advisors. Other blue men that day would lead me to the edge of their kingdoms, and the rest would be open possibilities. Gabriel, the blue angel, became my mentor. My former mentor, a blue dwarf, took a well deserved rest. I would have to call on him for help later. Puss in boots was a master of control and alterations. And the blue dwarf has great taste in art too. What was his name again? The artist? No matter, I was thankful. The blue dwarf walked around in his Shoes of Control and Alterations - he had received them from the tribe of Candle.

We were six blue wizards in sync that day. But today promised to be different. My ostensibly direct superior had joined me long ago as a peer. We were torn from each other, in twain. In the center of chaos, he too had a wandering eye. His right eye became a wishing one. Whatever it chose to see would become reality. Twilight was upon us once again. The dusk rolled in like a blanket of gray security. We relaxed. We were excited too. We each started with a pen and a blank sheet of paper.


That afternoon during our noonday meal, the Chaotic Good elf was introduced into the growing fellowship. His name would be Ruddy,
Nothing significant during the day to report on, other than my boss giving me some advice about dating women. I forget what he said, because I have listened to many people give me advice on dating.

Before returning home for the evening, I had to stop by a friend's house to remove the my party worm virus from her computer. I was talking to her last night on the phone, but since she is not as computer literate as I am, she didn't understand what to do. I offered to come over ASAP to remove the virus, and was told to be over there tonight.

After about an hour of getting Norton Anti-Virus to install and scan for viruses, I did find the worm and purged the infected file from the system. For my efforts, I did get $20 and some food to take with me because I hadn't had my dinner yet.

I found this poem that I wrote at a time when my parents had taken the internet away and I had no one at all. It's very depressing to know that most of this poem still aplies today.


A to Z
By bluebird

Always trying to be pleasant,
Being careful not to anger those around her.
Crying all night long.
Days seem so long.
Every day just like the last.
Find the computer to type nonsense.
Going nowhere, just wasting away
Happiness eludes her now.
In the day she sleeps real late
Just waiting for the time to pass
Keeps herself alive just for her family
Love’s her family, no matter what
Maybe someday life will change
Not today and not tomorrow
Only a small hope is left within her
Popcorn every night making her fat
Quite as can be so she doesn’t cause a fight
Reading books she doesn’t care about
Slowly rotting away in her room
Trying hard to please her mom
Useless pleas for the internet
Very sad, feeling all alone
Worried she will make her mom mad
Xacto knifes is on her brain
Young at heart, old in pain
Z is the end, maybe someday she’ll carve one in her wrist.


I'm tired of being tired. I'm so tired but no matter how hard I try I can't sleep till early hours like 6 am or later. I am not allowed to use the computer after 12am so it's difficult to say the least. I stay in my room all alone and last night the Geodon wasn't helping at all. I lost some time. It scares me when that happens. The Paxil is supposed to help with depression and anxiety but guess what...I'm more anxious lately and more depressed than I was before.

I'm turing into a baby. I get into... I don't know what you would call it...but I get where I just can't even make sense and I just go take my blankey and go suck my thumb. I'm scared and don't know how long my mom is even going to let me live here still. I just want someone to hold me.


I have to go to the psychiatrist tommorow. I also should go get the staples out of my leg. Then I have a phone item with the SSI.

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