Today I had a long talk with my youngest daughter. During her parent-teacher conference my daughter's teacher asked her if anything was bothering her, I asked her as well and her teacher reassured her that it was okay to talk about any problems she might be having with other students. What started out as a fight ended with my daughter sobbing because she thinks she has no friends. My youngest daughter is not exactly shy but she's more reserved than her older sister. She's quiet, introspective, she does well in school and has a fair amount of natural athletic ability. During the Presidential Physical Fitness tests she beat the national average for the mile by more than two minutes and she beat the Presidential level time by a minute and nine seconds. She swims well, she's artistic, creative, sensitive, loving and for whatever reason she has a hard time making friends.
During our fight my daughter said that she hates school and wants to be hidden. She said she doesn't like families because families are loving. Normally my daughter is soft spoken but today she was screaming when she was curled up on my bedroom floor. My daughter said she likes action and drama, she doesn't like people making her do things and I had to tell her that parents have the job of telling their children what to do whether the parents like it or not. Eventually my daughter calmed down. I spent some time holding her and brushing her hair back. A little girl in her class has very long blonde hair and my daughter feels unworthy because her hair is shorter than someone else's. After I found out who my daughter was upset with I asked her if she could talk to her teacher about it. When she said she was afraid I asked if she wanted me to go with her and she said yes.
One of the girls my daughter named has been friendly in the past. I called her mother up to talk about the situation and I could have said that her daughter had allegedly been picking on mine but instead I asked if she was interested in a play date. Another mother I called said she would be happy to have my daughter over. Her son, who is in my other daughter's class, is being picked on by some of his classmates and one of my oldest daughter's best friends is also having trouble. Today I learned that when your child is being picked on or bullied it is difficult to keep your cool. You can't protect your children from harmful things others say and my daughter really can't help it if she's short or thin. At forty-six and fifty-four pounds my daughters are some of the smallest children in their respective classes. I can remember crying because I was so small but tears didn't help me grow either.
Today must have been the day for fights because I got into it with my oldest daughter who refused to practice her clarinet. Two of my sisters have birthdays that are close together. We were supposed to go ice skating to celebrate. I told my daughter that we would leave as soon as she finished practicing and I left with my youngest daughter after I waited for more than forty mintues for my oldest to start playing. It turns out she was embarrassed to play in front of other people but when she found out she played better than her father her attitude improved for which I was thankful. When we arrived at the party I didn't feel well. I tried lying down with my niece, she fell asleep and I couldn't. Eventually I left the party early. On my way home I called my friend who talked to me through the worst of the pain.
Yesterday I spent a couple hours in bed shivering. I felt good enough
for a walk and part of my yoga video after I woke up. I'm still not sure what
happened to make my body shut down like that but I didn't get hardly
anything done in terms of work which was very upsetting to me. A former
customer of mine shared an interesting story with me the other day. She
has lupus and I almost started crying when she told me that she almost
died after a bad case of pneumonia landed her in the hospital and she
picked up a virus that started attacking her liver. Now she is no longer
afraid to die, she said dying is one of the most beautiful things and
no one should fear anything about passing from this life. You might not think that has anything to do with therapeutic footwear and you'd be right but talking to her gave me a lot of comfort.
Right now I'm not really sure that I'm
selling anything the company I work for wants me to sell but I'm enjoying reconnecting with people. I don't get paid unless I sell things which is somewhat worrisome considering the bill to fix the broken spring on my car was $600 but after the past few days I have stopped thinking of this job as an opportunity to make money and started viewing it as a hobby where I might accidentally make a few dollars. I felt like garbage yesterday, today I thought that getting out of the house would be good for me which retrospectively was a big mistake. I'm supposed to be out in California from February 17-21 and after the past week I'm rethinking the trip out there because if I can't handle a full day at home by myself I don't know how I will handle being in class all day without a bed for naps and my kitchen for meals.
My house is not in the state of cleanliness I would like it to be. There's something wrong with me that causes my fourth and fifth fingers to feel separate from the rest of my hands. A paramedic out in Nevada told me this was anxiety but I think there is something else going on with me. In other hopefully better news The Celiac Diva hosted a rheumatologist and I read an encouraging article about a condition I have that this physician said is possibly reversible depending on how much damage has been done. My husband gave me $200 for groceries and a massage but I might take my massage money and buy supplements instead. Tonight I drove half an hour out of my way to stop at a store that had closed early. I have no idea what to do about my job, my trip, my children, my body or the rest of my life but I can't spend time worrying either. Thankfully tomorrow is another day.