Something told me to come here today. I don't visit E2 often. I try to give up writing, but I can't. I go insane if I stop completely but when I start again I am rusty, so I don't know if I should even call myself a writer. Maybe my writer's block and personal issues are interconnected. Maybe it's hard for me to write because I haven't felt like myself, or maybe I haven't felt like myself because I stopped writing. It sucks to sit down and face my own thoughts. Sometimes unpleasant things crawl out.
Anyway, I'm here, so I guess I'll say what I've been up to. Not a whole hell of a lot, so far as my so called "career" goes anyway. I still hate my job. I haven't gone back to college or pursued a different career like I keep promising myself. I feel stuck and frustrated. People who never went to college or university like I did have better jobs than me. Woe is me, I don't make enough money and my boss is an asshole.
On the bright side I am finding my spirituality. It has helped me to make peace with my mother issues. It hurts to admit it, but we will never be close. This is easier to deal with now that I have found my inner mother. I can talk to her and trust her in ways that I never could with my flesh and blood mother. I think that I must have spent most of my life looking for a mother figure. As a result, I've had far too many dysfunctional relationships and friendships, not to mention a deep hole inside me. Finding a new source of strength that comes from within has helped tremendously. I can walk away from bad situations and stand up for myself much more easily than before.
What else? I am seeing someone. I keep expecting him to change his mind about me. He treats me well, he's good looking, makes me laugh, and most importantly, we are friends as well as lovers. We have been talking about marriage even though the relationship is still new. We are being foolish, but I'm happy.
I deserve to be happy. On some level I have been punishing myself, telling myself I don't deserve certain things because of how I've behaved in past situations. My main concern right now is learning to see myself differently. I am worthy of love. I need to stop judging others so harshly. I only do it because I judge myself so much. I am strong enough to get back on my feet. Maybe that means sucking it up and writing again. I need to face myself eventually.