One of the worst things about working at night is I get home and I'm too wired to go to sleep, but too tired to do anything that requires a lot of mental energy. Today was pretty ridiculous at work. There was one guy working in produce and the people who had worked ahead of him left him with a ton of things to put out which was very unfair of them. I don't really know the newer guy that well, but he seems to have a good work ethic and decent attitude. The other guy is lazy and needs to go. I understand that he's dealing with some personal problems, but the effort is just not there and it hasn't been since I met him last July. I think that time period justifies me having an opinion on how hard he works, and it's too bad because he's a really smart guy who has a ton of knowledge. He's taking classes to become a chef (I think), something in food service and I know he had to pass a dicing test and come up with a menu using certain criteria. I've learned a thing or two from him, he can be really nice when he wants, but I've heard numerous people in that department complain about him and I've seen for myself what kind of a worker he is.

Anyways, I ended up sorting kiwi, stocking peppers, facing the apples, pears, and cucumbers, as well as spending quite a bit of time pulling numerous salad dressing bottles from way in the back because just like in my department, people do superficial instead of deep facing. What's most annoying to me about this is my arms are short so it's harder for me to reach back and grab things that have been shoved to the rear in the hopes that someone else will do the job for whoever was supposed to do it initially. I like to start at one end of the department and work my way through it, the guy I was working with seemed to have a different approach, I'm not judging him, that's just an observation, he had a list and an agenda, he's a perfectionist and I understand that, but sometimes, you just have to let things go, especially hwen you have that much work to do. The produce manager is something of a friend since I sold furniture and appliances to him and his wife. I'm going to talk to him and see if I can get transferred to that department. I'm done with the crap in my department, although I might try to hang onto a shift or two there because I love my boss and there are perks to working in that department. 

The guy I was working with told me that the assistant manager and a full time guy who has been there forever are leaving within the next six months. Tonight I was talking to my oldest about plans for the summer which will be here before I know it even though it seems far off now. When I redid my retirement account I put ten grand in cash in case I ever needed it for an emergency. I own some individual stocks that I could sell, I'd rather not do that since this has been a twenty year process, but I will if that's what it takes. I have to think about this, but my thought process is something along the following lines: I do not want to keep living where I do for that much longer. As nice as it is, it's super expensive, and I don't own it. I would like a different vehicle, but doing that before I'm done paying ridiculous rates for car insurance is foolish so hopefully that purchase is at least eighteen months out, and longer would be better since my car is paid for and that's great. I only have to work 37 hours to qualify for full time. I would rather not work that many hours, but I will if I need that level of income to qualify for a loan.

Jill and Jane's dad owns a condo on the other side of town. He bought it for me, didn't listen to what I told him when we were shopping and then I was unable to live there because the one side of a joint wall that I shared with the neighbors who smoked made it impossible for me to breathe when I was there. I hate it that the girls have a bedroom with that wall as the main one, but there's not a lot I can do about it. Their dad bought them an air filter, but who knows how often the filter gets changed, or whether they actually use it when they're there. The condo was reasonably priced, they used to be vacation rentals so it's not the highest quality construction, I wanted the view of the pond and I'm glad I requested that even though it cost more. If I can find a unit there, and if I can get financing, the girls would have two parents living in the same complex and this would greatly reduce a lot of inconveniences and frustrations. It isn't where I would choose to live, currently I live on the north side of town, he's on the south, we both live near grocery stores, gas stations, banks, and small strip malls so there are job opportunities as well as the ability to walk a lot of places even though I rarely do this which is shame on me.

Moving will free up a lot of cash, and I can do what I want in my place. I'll lose the beauty of my neighborhood, but there's also an element of snobbery that goes with these types of accomodations. Eventually I would like to move someplace warmer, I'm still thinking about this, but I think it makes sense going forward. I probably would be less inclined to move, but now that I have an art habit, I want a place where I can create without worrying about the carpeting, walls, or other surfaces. I want a table where I can work, I don't mind using table spaces as desks, I actually own two, but now that I have a puzzle going on one of them, I've lost that work space. In a lot of ways his place would have been perfect for me which is why we went ahead with the purchase, but unless I can convince him to sell it back to me, I have to find a place of my own. The good news is that living in an apartment has given me new things to think about and it forced me to downsize, which is something I'd like to do again in the near future. I have more stuff than I want or need and I'm going to ask my new friend if she'd be willing to come over and talk me through the process because I'm not doing it by myself.

Today I read an article that said many Americans are within one paycheck of living on the streets. While that's a clickbait line, I need to get back into managing my money and telling it what to do rather than frivoling it away like I do now. Food is my largest expense and I know I could save a lot of money simply by making lists, meals, and using cash the way that I did when I was still married. This is going to require discipline, I'm great in some areas, writing for instance, and not so great in others. I put my yoga mat near my coffee table and that actually helped. I need visual cues and I've learned that about myself. Out of sight equals out of mind for me. Another article talked about the pre-mortem check and I thought that this was interesting. Rather than a post-mortem where you try and determine what went wrong, you look around to see what could go wrong, and the reverse engineer the solution. One thing I do is clip my keys to a bag I own. I need this clip in my life no matter how tacky the striped bag looks. As soon as I try to leave home without it, I start misplacing my keys again.

The good news is I have money in savings again, and I'm slowly building up one month's worth of rent even though that's not gone as well as I had hoped, mainly because I had no plan which is pretty much a guaranteed way to fail at anything. As far as things I wanted to do in the New Year, I'm giving myself a pat on the back for incorporating more creative outlets into my life, and a poor grade for better time and money management. The girls have a bullet journaling how to book that I stuck in my bag and never read on my break. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother carrying books and magazines around because I'm trying to think of a time where I actually read anything in my bag, it's more the idea of things. I have a bunch of lunch bags we aren't using and I want to do something with those, like start using them, or get rid of them. I can never find the style I prefer in the pattern I like. I don't know why I can't accept the idea that these two things don't have to match, but for some reason my brain will not let me use a lunch bag that doesn't match the rest of whatever I'm carrying. Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm a real life bag lady since I carry so much crap around with me.

Tonight I took an extra pair of shoes to work and then never bothered to change when my shift was over, what I need to do is figure out how my life would be better if I carried certain things; snacks, water, etc..., and pack the minimum rather than everything minus the kitchen sink and sometimes I wonder if you could find spare parts for that in that stupid bag. That being said the bag has been a lifesaver on many occasions and I'm super happy I made that investment. One of the nice things about working in produce versus working in my department is you spend a lot less time thinking about the work you're doing. It's kind of mindless to sort fruit so I found myself daydreaming about all sorts of things. I still want to redo my bathroom, my friend with the crush doesn't like feeling that way, maybe this is just me, but I like crushing on someone and kind of miss it when I don't have anyone in particular to think about like that. I think that for so long I was married to someone I didn't love that I fell into the habit of fantasizing about this random person who would treat me the way I wanted to be treated.

This was the main driver between me creating different characters. The more I write about Brad and his family, friends, enemies, and other people he knows, the more I learn about myself and how I think. I have such an incredible need to create and I always find it interesting when people tell me they don't have any creative outlets in their lives because I seem to have the ability to make just about anything into a creative process. I can literally sit down and write about anything, I like that about myself and think it's cool that I can entertain myself in numerous ways. One of the things I signed up for that I might unsubscribe from is a personality hack newsfeed. I listened to a podcast, I always want to be the person who listens to podcasts, but they're really not my thing although for a while I listened to the Michael Gervais podcast on Finding Mastery because it was something to listen to before I fell asleep at night. I got out of the habit of checking books on CD out from the library. I haven't been recently and I miss that. I really wish I had set hours at work. Then I could set a schedule, and stick to it.

Another thing I wanted to do was sign up for a yoga class. That would be more money, but it would be a social outlet and help me move. I have DVDs I could play, I need to just stick one in my computer and do it whether I want to or not. Same with a lot of other things in my life although I'm happy to report that I cleaned my bathroom today. I found a lip liner one of the girls had left, the color was very dark so I put it on to see what it looked like on someone. To my surprise it was a very pretty berry shade that I bet would look good on a lot of people. I got all sorts of compliments on it when I went into work today which was kind of surprising and fun. I told one of our regular customers about getting distracted and then having to go to work in the clothes that I had worn to clean. I probably should say goodbye to those jeans, but they're comfortable and nice for that kind of thing. I always tell myself I'm going to make a list of things I want to do or buy, and then never do, so today I'm going to tackle that.

Jessica's List of Things She Wants to Purchase:

  1. Black shower curtain with tiny silver sparkles
  2. Pink Turkish towels
  3. Art (black/gray/pink)
  4. Athletic footwear
  5. Dishes - I really want the set I had from Williams Sonoma, but I've read quite a few reviews that said the quality has declined in recent years
  6. Knives that are missing from my block
  7. Winter coat that is longer than the one I own. I love the yellow, but the zipper is broken and that limits the effectiveness.
  8. Boots
  9. Gloves
  10. Ping pong table 
  11. Car - preferably silver - I'd love a Lexus, but the maintanence is so expensive. I really miss the Volvo we used to have. That was insanely comfortable and practical.
  12. Trailer hitch and bike rack for my car
  13. Kayak - if I owned my own I could go more often for less money, but then I have to store it
  14. A nicer bike. The one I have is fine, but it's lower end and it really shows when I shift gears
  15. Workout apparel
  16. Pajamas - I'd like at least two sets
  17. Socks - the girls keep stealing mine so they're going to either buy me replacements or give me money so I can
  18. Bras - after a while I just need new ones
  19. Panties - Ditto
  20. A really nice ruler like they have at the art studio
  21. A better desk
  22. A computer 
  23. Some sort of iPad device thing so I can watch movies or whatever although I guess I could do this on my computer if I get one
  24. A poetry journal
  25. Better floormats for my car, they really make a difference
  26. Nicer silverware, placemats, and glasses
  27. Golf clubs
  28. Pillows - this is another one of those things you just have to replace periodically
  29. A really nice skincare system - I'm worth it
  30. Tons more plants
  31. Some of the stackable equipment they have at PT
  32. A nice rug
  33. A tile topped table like the one I almost bought this summer, the one I have now isn't a smooth solid surface which makes it difficult for puzzles
  34. Artwork - now I can do this myself - yay!
  35. Bedding for the bunk beds if I decide to keep them which I probably will, it's too nice of a set to get rid of now that it's here
  36. A cleaning lady - yes I can do it myself, no, I don't want to, go ahead, judge me
  37. Subscription to MLBTV
  38. I want a blog back, I write here, but that was a different type of writing and I'm kicking myself now that it's gone although I doubt anyone else bought the domain name
  39. More wooden hangers
  40. The nine slot metal storage system I saw this summer that I probably should have purchased, but not for that price
  41. An over the door storage unit like the one I almost bought, I might get two of these now that I can see how they could be utilized
  42. Another set of patio furniture exactly like the one that I have because then I could put two coffee tables together and get one larger one, this would also create a conversational grouping
  43. A better water bottle, for as many as I've purchased you'd think I would have the perfect one by now
  44. A really cool yoga rug - I hate the way that plastic mats smell - I know you don't need one, this is stuff I want, not things I can't live without
  45. Cool chopsticks like the ones we used to have
  46. Personalized stationary
  47. Season tickets to various sporting events - my brother has bought packs of twenty and I could go in on this with him
  48. A really nice wool blanket like the ones we used to have
  49. At least two more baseball caps - it takes me a while to break them in and if I don't add to the collection I end up with a bunch of ratty ones and nothing that looks halfway decent
  50. Another Badger sweatshirt - I'd love a hoodie that zips, but apparently they don't make these things in my size
  51. A couple more vests
  52. More layering pieces
  53. Voice lessons 
  54. A really nice pen
  55. A really nice cheese grater like the one I had, ditto for my vegetable peeler, I want a better garlic press and a bunch of other kitchen gadget type things

This list is a lot longer than I thought it would be, so much for being a minimalist and doing without, but I don't think you have to do away with everything, it's all about making your life work for you and I feel liek some of these things would make a great deal of difference. Perhaps not, but it's my list and I can always add or subtract things as I see fit.


Power rankings:


  1. Baseball (large gap)
  2. Hockey (large gap)
  3. NCAA football
  4. NCAA hoops
  5. No NBA
  6. No NFL


  1. MLB
  2. MLS
  3. NCAA hoops
  5. NHL
  6. Performing a root canal on myself at home would come way before NFL


Him: "You really are a shark."

Me: 'Feed me and tell me I'm pretty' GIF


Him: "Why did the addict stop snorting coke?"

Me: "Why?"

Him: "He didn't like the smell."




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