Nick and I had a basic disagreement. I say funerals are for the living, he said that they were for the dead. We had this discussion while he was contemplating his death. He kept a journal where he wrote various things including his plans for his funeral. He wanted specific music played, he wanted to be cremated and he wanted to have his ashes spread over the ocean among other things. He wanted all the things that he loved to surround him and help him on his way.

My view on funerals is that they are to help the living accept that the person has left. It's closure. It is necessary for the grieving process. It's a way to celebrate that person's life, a way to share all the good moments and a way to say, "thanks for coming into my life and shaping me". The funeral provides a way for the survivors to lean on each other and express the love, respect, appreciation, grief, sorrow, and all of the other emotions associated with the loss.

Funerals are also a way to KNOW intellectually that YES, he has died. Visually seeing that someone has died, to me, is the quickest way to accept it. There's no room to think, well....maybe he's still out there somewhere. It's irrevocable. (hence, closure). It forces you to face the death.

I would tell you Nick's side of the argument, but I can not do it justice. If he was still here, he would write it himself, thoroughly debunking everything that I just said. He's not. He died of complications from Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma just before Thanksgiving. Was I at the funeral? NO. I wasn't told that he died until after the service, until after his ashes were scattered over the ocean near Zuma beach. I've been told it was a nice service. It was a celebration of his life. He had his service just the way he wanted it as written in his journal. The journal that I gave him. Do I have closure? NO. Not at all. I catch glimpses of him everywhere. I hear his voice in strangers. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

This is one of the few times that I don't see the other side of the issue. Maybe it's because I can't. I'm blinded by the grief I haven't been able to let go of.

I've spent time sitting on Zuma Beach, gazing out over the ocean, watching the sunset, and searching for him. Nick said that funerals weren't necessary for the living. At this particular moment in my grieving process, though I love him, I want to kick his ass.

I leave it to one of you to take up his argument that funerals are for the dead. Prove me wrong. Please.

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