Last night I did something I regret. When my phone rang I was expecting it to be my aunt, instead, it was a friend of mine. I was very tired, I woke up at 4:12 so it had been a long day, but I answered it anyways. Next time I will let voicemail take calls that come in when I'm on my way to bed. There are typically two sides to each story, last night I was provoked, the call did not go well, it did not end well, and I may get into that more at a future point in time, but for now I'm accepting my portion of the blame. I took a call knowing that I was already verging on exhaustion and that was not a very smart thing to have done. I feel stuck at home. We're in some ruts and I have some ideas about how to get back on track, but for now it seems as if things have always been this way and always will, dangerous thinking, mostly because I am in a great deal of pain and still very tired.
Therapy went well, but by the time I left my ankle was very unhappy. I had told my aunt I would go shopping with her, she doesn't like to drive, I was already going to be in town, and next time I will give myself more time to transition between activities since I know I do better when I have that time. Before I went to physical therapy I didn't realize how much work it is to try and socialize with others when they're asking you a bunch of questions and trying to get you to do things your body doesn't want to be doing. I was apprehensive about the new guy, but I think I may like him even better. I love it when I find people who partner well with me. He seemed to understand what I was saying even when I felt like I wasn't being very clear or descriptive. He gave me some stretching to do and I left feeling good about moving my appointment up a week.
Being caught between two people who are not speaking to each other is a very strange experience. When I injured my lower back this summer I was in a world of hurt. I met a new chiropractor, went to PT, and found myself in a pretty dark place mentally. The problem is I didn't realize this at the time, usually it takes hindsight to see how black and bleak a time period really was. I think I told myself that because it was summer I wasn't depressed like those two things could be reliably connected. I wanted emotional support and I relied on the wrong people to deliver it. That's on me and now I feel, I don't know exactly how I feel, guilty, unaware, foolish, maybe a few other things. I made the decision to move and even though I kind of miss my old place, I think it was the right decision based on what I know now.
Moving was very hard on me, the move was complicated by the dog bite, I didn't stop to think about how much you use your arm and core when you lift and pack. When I was at therapy they asked me for some goals I wanted to achieve which I thought was really cool. They didn't do that last time and I think this is a great policy if they can keep track of that on top of everything else they're doing. Being a physical therapist requires so much back and forth between the patient and the computer. I think it'd be an awesome job in some ways, I even think I would enjoy the competitive nature of the career, but certain aspects of it are just not for me. I'm pretty competent when it comes to paperwork, but it isn't anything that brings me a great deal of joy in life.
My friend likes my former therapist, I'm still on speaking terms with him, and what I didn't expect when I called to ask if I could return was that he would try and play a game with me. Like a lot of interpersonal games this is unspoken. This summer he had the upper hand, or at least that's how it felt to me. Now I have some things he wants, I'm in a much better place than he was, and I knew when I walked in this morning that yesterday's hunch had been correct. While I could be wrong, I'm pretty sure that he still has feelings for my friend. Yesterday his hair was pretty wild and crazy. My friend used to tell me how he and I had the same hair, I knew what she meant, but he has much better hair from a color and richness standpoint than I do. His hair is all the colors of autumn on one head, it doesn't do much for me, but it is absolutely gorgeous.
Today it was much flatter and damp looking when I walked in late for my appointment. I despise being late and I'm angry with a woman I work with for not helping customers when she was on the sales floor. I could have left earlier, but I felt that was too early. This morning was one customer after another and my guy was nice about my lack of punctuality, but that is disrespectful of his time and I'm going to do whatever I can so I am never late for another PT appointment again. Rather than write about how I can tell who I think will be good in bed I'm going to write about how you can tell you are in someone's friend zone rather than their fun zone. I'm still mad at myself for showing that big long thing I wrote to my friend. I was apprehensive about it, decided she could handle it, and when it went the way I thought it would I was inwardly kicking myself for ignoring my original intuitive decision.
Last night she told me that she was waiting for the moment when I told her that this guy and I were dating. That made me mad because if I liked him I would tell her, I've invested countless time and too much energy into trying to help these people who are determined to sabotage their own future relationship, and she doesn't really listen to me when I have things that I want to talk about. There's a power imbalance and I'm holding myself accountable for my part of it. This guy knows that we are friends, he knows that we talk, and I bet he also knows that I think highly of him. I feel like he trusts me because I've never given him a reason not to, when I was at PT today I could hear him talking and I wondered if he was saying some of the things he was because he knew I might be able to hear his side of the conversation. Perhaps I am being fanciful, but I think it may have been on his mind at some level.
I can tell that this guy admires and respects me because of the way he says my name and talks to me. All he did was say 'hi' yesterday and today, it's the tone of his voice that makes me feel like I am someone special in his life. He was very busy yesterday, but he took two seconds to say hi and asked me how I was doing while he was walking toward his next patient. I don't get The Vibe from him. We have a connection, but whatever there is between us, it isn't sexual on my end and I'm positive it isn't on his either as typically I recognize those signals. He's curious because he likes my friend. I'm a key to her, he knows he might get cues and clues from me, I think he legitimately enjoys seeing me because of the energy I bring which is very like his own. When you see someone who reflects what you're good at yourself, that resonates on some level.
There's really no tension or awkwardness between us and there would be if we were in what I like to call the fun or flirt zone. We really are just friends and we're not even people who know each other real well, we have very similar personalities and I think that level of comfort makes us feel as if we've known each other for longer than we really have. I've shared things with him, he's told me things. We can talk, but we don't have to, and I would be jealous of a woman who had that type of a relationship with a man I loved if that was a situation I had in my life. I feel bad for both of them, but I also feel bad for me since neither of them are as interested in helping me as they are focused on helping themselves. I try not to hold it against them, they don't have it to give. If they did, I would get it. I get other things from them, those are also things I need, I'm not perfect, and I don't expect them to be either.
He and I have too much in common to fall for each other. If we did go out it would be a disaster. We need people who have strengths that complement ours, not another person who is good at the same things we are. It would be like me trying to go out with someone else who likes sports. On one hand we have that in common, but I am not your typical sports fan. I used to tell people I was a casual fan because I didn't understand my reference point was different than theirs. I am not a casual fan and dating casual fans has not gone well for me. I want baseball intelligentsia and I already get that from the friends that I have. This is a need I can meet myself. What I really need is someone to help me meet the needs I can't or don't meet well on my own. That's one of the reasons my PT friend and the woman who likes him are good for me. He gets me up and moving, she gives me permission to unwind and relax.
Yesterday I was reading and came across this quote: "I can tell from a mile away if a girl is a naughty vixen or a starfish in bed. I can also tell by her subtle cues if she's wanting the same with me, and I can predict with overwhelming accuracy if at the end of a date I'm smashing it or not so that I don't waste my valuable time...". During that second interview I had a very emotional response to being at the airport. I'm not sure how I came across, but I know that it was a pivotal moment for me. Typically I interview well, that day, I wasn't myself. I can tell that this guy doesn't want me and I know I don't want him. I understand that my friend is probably envious of the way I relate to him, but it is also extremely frustrating to invest so heavily in them and then hear her say that she thinks I'm after him myself.
I changed my mind. I am going to write about how I can tell if a guy is likely to be good in bed. I'd love to send this to her, but I've learned my lesson. She's not going to see anything else I write because I can't handle these types of conversations with her. She's not owning her side of the blame and I don't respect that. Every time I try to explain how I think things may look to him she tries to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions and until she matures, she will never get the guy. I might not either, but at least I'm woman enough to say, hey, I screwed up, it doesn't matter what he did, I am a grown ass woman and I am going to look myself in the eye and apologize for what I did wrong. I think one of the things she doesn't get is that you can hold yourself accountable and still see how they contributed to the dysfunction. Admitting you were wrong does not and should not exonerate them, but they are two separate issues.
Sex (for me) is a very physical experience and I just love it. Being visual means I'm checking out what someone is wearing and how that makes me feel, by which I mean I'm monitoring how my body is reacting to the sight of his. Am I excited, nervous, do I feel confident? I can typically sense how high or low someone's self esteem is just by talking to them or being around them for a few minutes. Guys with low self esteem are usually not of interest to me because it takes a lot to convince me that you're bringing as much to the bedroom as I am, however, you can have low self esteem in one area and be very bold and brave in another so just know that I'm trying to determine whether you're man enough for me and I'm woman enough for you. It goes both ways, I expect to give just as good as I get.
Voice is a powerful turn on for me. It's cadence, rythym, tone, volume, pitch, what he says and how he says it. This coupled with body language is another thing I use to try and determine if I think we would partner well. I'm not looking for someone to dominate me, I don't need to submit or dominate a submissive, I want an equal who tells me what he wants (or otherwise communicates his needs) knowing that I will do the same for him. If a guy's voice drops or I hear an edge in it that I don't hear when he's speaking to other women, then I get curious about him. This is an extremely difficult thing to control so I rely on it quite a bit. Cosmo and other publications of that ilk will walk you through what men do to indicate their interest in you. A lot of that seems accurate to me and I won't repeat it here since they rarely talk about the next thing on my list.
I must have someone who I can connect with on a primal and intellectual level. When I played tennis my coach would reprimand me for sending the ball out of bounds on a regular basis. He would tell me that I was his shortest player, but the one who ceded the most point due to lack of control. I had plenty of power, but I hadn't learned how to control it. Men with finesse are super high on my list of attractive partners. I love the subtle, ingenious, and devious ways that he chooses to reveal or conceal his attraction. I love watching his pupils dilate, receiving the type of smile men give you when their arousal is high is unbelievably sexy to me, the hottest guys I know work it without giving anyone else any clues about what's going on between us.
Touch is one of the fun things about sexual intimacy. One thing I look for and notice is how men touch things around me. Another thing I use to guide me to the right person is I observe how well he anticipates the needs of others. Here's a real life example; I was once in back making copies. I pulled the staple out of a set of papers. The guy sitting near me handed me the stapler without saying anything to me. Right then and there I knew that he was sensitive to and able to meet the needs of others, and that he was able to do that without me saying a thing to him about it. He has someone and it wasn't a super erotic moment, but it gave my mind a lot to work with and he still intrigues me even though I would never cross that line. If a guy will cheat with you, he will cheat on you, and I believe that women should value their relationships with each other above romantic relationships although I admit there is room for gray areas here.
Accidental touches are another item on my list. If there is accidental contact I wait to see what he says or does next, if anything. If he jerks away or immediately apologizes, he's probably not interested. The types of touching I'm talking about are fingers or hands touching, your arm bumping into his or vice versa, the more it happens 'accidentally' the more suspect he is, I personally love this kind of thing and can literally still feel the burn or tingle from some of the accidental touches I've received in the past, they were honestly that incredibly memorable. I have guys who point at me, fist bump me, or high five me, typically those types of contact are not sexual. They don't linger, they aren't accidental, I don't get that achy thrill chill that I do from a guy that I think is open to moving toward the bedroom.
Bedroom eyes are another dead give away that someone sees you as more than just a friend. I won't even try to describe them, all I can say is I think I know when I see them, there's an expression in them that tells me he's studied the menu and he has some questions about the a la carte options he doesn't see being offered. I love people who are insanely curious because that's how I am in and out of bed. I want to know what makes people tick and if I think sharing something I wouldn't normally tell someone will pique their curiosity, I will contemplate that very carefully. I like to see where he's at before I give too much away although it is practically impossible at times because hormones and unconscious changes in my body language are already telling him secrets I'd rather keep to myself.
A friend of mine and I joke about the black or red question. I once read an article that claimed you could tell what someone would be like in bed based on their favorite color. Supposedly people who like red are romantic, pink lovers are softer and gentler than that, black is for the more sophisticated or the kinky, green indicated that someone was less experienced or naive, blah, blah, blah, I didn't buy into the theory although I found it interesting. I find all types of information of interest on some level. I like my system; does he look good, smell good, taste good, touch me like he's exploring uncharted territory that he would like to know more intimately, or is he stand offish, chilly, friendly, or disinterested? Guys who say my name and draw it out 'Jesss-i-ca' are sexier to me than the men who say it quicker. I love hearing him say my name in a certain way, it's pretty much guaranteed to spark a sexual response in me.
Today at PT my guy asked if I go by Jess as if that was a foregone conclusion. I was then left to awkwardly explain that my previous guy called me that and I let it slide because I heard what I wanted from him when he shortened my name. He respects me and I'd have no problem putting him in his place if he called me Jess and I felt he was disrespectful or condescending. Sharing your personal power scores high points with me. Men who act cocky and confident around me are usually not getting anywhere fast although I will occasionally admire a certain level of what others may call arrogance. It's not bragging when you can back it up and there are those that can. I see no point in acting shy and demure or putting myself down when I know I'm good and he is too. Those kinds of games are fun for about two minutes unless he can give me an incentive to keep acting that way, then; game on lover boy.
The other day I wrote about holding back. This is something I rarely do when I am in bed. I have a wild child and I can often sense when someone else does too even if they have a very cool exterior. Sex is supposed to be fun and games in my world. I'm competitive, but more in a race to the finish line manner than anything else. I can be very selfish until I get what I want, the best sex is communicative sex, I like this, hey, you do too? Cool, let's do more of that. Edging is fun for me and I love it when he can hold off and make the experience last by intensifying it. The longer you can build it the higher you can go. The guys who make me scream and cry are my favorites, I don't fake things in bed. If I'm happy, you'll know, if you do something I don't like, I'll show or tell you what I do.
I do not sleep around, I'm not easy, and I'm not sleazy either. If your fantasy involves role playing, feel free to share that with me, but recognize I have veto power, and of course you do too. My moods fluctuate and I'm sensitive to the moods of others. I believe in comfort sex, if that's what you want or need, all you have to do is ask. I like fast and furious, long and luxurious is a different kind of fun, I absolutely love sex after a thrilling sporting event, I watch sports with very few men so if you're sitting next to me in a one on one situation, you passed a bunch of tests with high marks and flying colors. Men who work me up and get me going, but delay the big event are very high on my list. Everything is a game to me, and I really mean everything, but how you play is just as important as knowing my unspoken rules.
Sex doesn't have to be serious. Sometimes it's fun to mess around. I'm playful and I'm a grabber. I'll let you know that I love your cock or your ass by putting my hands, mouth, feet, or other body parts on or near you if you're receptive to that. I have a foot fetish so if you have cute feet, I want you more than if you don't. Your smile turns me on a great deal, likely more than you know, and particularly if it is secretive or suggestive. Watching you dress or undress is hot, watching you brush your teeth gives me opportunities if we're in the bathroom together. Basically your body becomes my playground and I want to know every centimeter of you very intimately and thoroughly. I have very few inhibitions when it comes to sex, if you want something, ask, if you like something, tell me. I'm not a mind reader, if you're ticked, or not in the mood, you'll have to tell me straight out and be very clear. I can hate you and end up in bed with you if you make me hot enough.
Before and after sex snuggling is another thing that I just love. I like his hands holding mine, I like his arm around my shoulders, a friend of mine once said that it was romantic to save the last bite for your lover. I agree and try to do things like that for my partner. I like breakfast in bed, fresh fruit, chocolate, red wine, bubbles, soap, things that smell nice, massage oils, lip balm that starts on one person and gets transferred to another. I like guys who kiss well and take the time to learn what I like in terms of pressure, length, daring, and reserve. I'm often cold and tired after sex. I just want to lay next to him, have him rub my arm, shoulder, hip, or hair. I like to hear that I am loved even if the words usually don't carry a lot of weight with me. Loving someone and being in love are different things. If you're in my bed, I love you and I'm in love with you. That's a contract I made with myself after I got divorced and in all these years I've never once broken it.
This didn't exactly go as planned, but if you want to be with me you'll have to accept that my mind wanders, particularly when I have a topic that I'm both passionate and curious about. It doesn't take much to turn me on, I like guys who keep raising the stakes. I recognize masculinity and that power, be a man by respecting me and meeting whatever needs of mine you can. I understand that you're not a super hero although don't be surprised if I treat you like one once you're between my sheets. That means I think you're a keeper and I want to hang onto the way you smell after you're gone (sad face). Either we have sexual chemistry and we can both feel it, or we don't. For me this is typically an instantaneous thing, I try hard not to lead people on because that's not fair to either of us.
Men who lean into that tension are so much fun. The stakes are high, there's a lot at risk, but to me, the possibility of wining that jackpot keeps me going. I don't date casually and I prefer exclusivity. I need to be formally asked out or I'll assume that we're not dating even if we are hanging out doing something together when it's just the two of us. Hiking with me is not a date. Being asked if I want to go for a hike as a date is an actual date and I will behave very differently if that's the case. I like men who put the wild in wildlife, but know how and when to back off. Make me burn and you can expect to feel the heat even when you're far from the kitchen. Flirting is fun and the better you are, the more fun I will have. Show me your sensual side and I will react accordingly.
Hopefully this gives people an idea of what I like, what I dislike, and how to keep my interest once we are a couple. You aren't getting anywhere near my sheets if we're not so if you think this is a guide to turning Jessica on without any intention of asking her out, you are a sad and sick puppy and I hope you get some help. I'm honest, I try not to be brutal, your ego is just as important to me as mine, but I'm not going to sugar coat anything either. Tell me if you're feeling unloved or you feel like the magic is fading. I work very hard to be the kind of woman who actually is hard to get rather than one who plays like she is. Standards: I have them. They are high. I love to flirt, but if I don't respect you then you will never be on the receiving end of what I call Type 2 flirting. I like men with standards who love and accept me, but keep me motivated to learn and grow as a person.
I am yours in and out of bed, but we should both be there because we want to be and can fully love each other in a way that is special, unique, and meaningful to both of us. By the time you get there you should know a lot about me and I want to know things like what your favorite memory from the second grade is because that's the level of detail I want and desire in a man. You will be a priority in my life and I want to be that important to you. We'll fight, that's different than arguing, I hate conflict and discord, but I have a temper and sometimes do some really stupid things. You'll probably have off days or moods, please keep the lines of communication open, that is critically important to me. Ignore me once and you might get away with that. Try it again, and we'll be done although I hope and pray it never comes to that.
Well, now you know more about me than you did. This was fun even if it's not what I set out to do in the first place. I appreciate spontaneity, and hopefully, you do too. If not, let me know. I'm a people pleaser no matter how much I might tease you first.
P.S. Part of me can't believe I really went there, but so often what I write is the doom and gloom stuff that I felt like a change was needed. Sometimes I wonder if people who read what I write and those who know me in real life feel like online me and real me are two different people. Then I decide I really don't care. If you can't handle me, no harm, no foul. I like sports analogies and that one seems to apply here.
P.P.S. I realize I forgot to talk about his sense of humor, I like to laugh and appreciate men who can hold their own in a verbal sparring match. Make me laugh and I will come back to you for more of what gives us both something to smile about...