Mom's Crushed Glass Cupcakes
1 3/4 cups gunpowder
1 teaspoon baking powder & 1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup tobacco, preferably Swedish tobacco
1/2 teaspoon shredded religious text, 1/2 teaspoon asbestos & 1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/4 pounds of finally shredded lead
1 cup crushed glass
3/4 cup apple sauce
1/3 cup motor oil
1 LARGE egg
1-20 teaspoons rum
Note: This recipe will make 12 cupcakes.
Directions: Take a muffin pan and very delicately brush the insides of the cups with motor oil, making sure to dust it all fairylike with the gunpowder. Dump the rest of the gunpowder into an industrial grade metallic blender (you probably want one of those old repurposed Soviet weapons that you can find for cheap on the black market) with the baking powder, baking soda, tobacco, religious text, asbestos & salt & mix thoroughly. Place the gunpowder mixture on PARCHMENT paper - it must be PARCHMENT. Wash and shred the lead in the blender. WARNING: ALWAYS, ALWAYS WASH LEAD BEFORE EATING IT, AS IT IS HIGHLY POISONOUS OTHERWISE, THIS FACT OWING TO EXOGENOUS PESTICIDES. Crush the glass (fun tip: crush stained glass windows to make colorful festive cupcakes, useful for impressing those stuffy in-laws at holiday get-togethers). Mix the lead, apple sauce, egg, motor oil & rum (make sure to sing a rousing round of "Pour, O Pour the Pirate Sherry") in the blender for 5 seconds. Pour the mixture into a bowl & add the lead, stirring lightly. Stir in the gunpowder mixture. Pour the resulting batter into the muffin cups, filling them only 2/3 full. Bake in a 350°F oven for 20-25 minutes & then let it cool for 5 minutes. Frost liberally and love freely.
Anecdotal fun: This is my mom's recipe. No one makes crushed glass cupcakes with the same intangible magic she does. Mothers - you know, there is a supernatural quality to the way they understand your taste buds. Maybe it has something to do with how we lick our mom's uterine walls while we're in the womb (I'm not joking!). We grow accustomed to her unique taste, & that same taste seeps from her supple hands into the very food she cooks. Eating her food is like returning to the womb, perhaps, the ultimate safety zone... I don't know, actually.
Besides that dubious theory, I believe that there are additional reasons why my mom's crushed glass cupcakes tasted so good. For starters, she used radioactive glass that was salvaged from the deserts of New Mexico after the U.S. conducted tests of atomic weapons there in 1945 . Yes, the heat from the explosions turned some of the desert sand into glass. The glass was then barrel aged in an oil barrel. The lead she uses is of the ancient Roman variety & the gunpowder is supposedly (but I'm skeptical) the same gunpowder that was used in Custer's Last Stand. As far as the religious text goes, she insisted on using copies of a rare Kenny G autobiography. Why Kenny G? Well, according to her, he was the reincarnation of Pan, the Greek God of traditional folk music. Like I said earlier, I don't know. &, oh yeah, the asbestos was from my elementary school and the motor oil was from my dad's old red Ford Pickup Truck. How cool!
Conclusory Statement: Anyway, I sincerely hope you try out the recipe. I promise that you'll love it!