Tensions between the National Monkey Association and Congress escalated today as lawmakers considered signing into law the 7-day waiting limit and mandatory background check on freeze-dried assault monkeys.

"This is an outrage to law abiding monkey-owners everywhere" argued National Monkey Association President Tom Arnold.

Proponents of the bill have been lobbying Capitol Hill for years to place greater restrictions on the sale of freeze-dried assault monkeys. "Why the average citizen needs a monkey, much less a monkey bred and trained to kill silently under cover of darkness is beyond me. They're outraged? I'm outraged." said talk-show hostess Rosie O'Donnell, who now heads the group Mothers Against Marauding Assault Monkeys.

Senator Regis Philbin of Hawaii, who drafted the bill, stated today: "The purpose of the 7-day waiting period is to keep these monkeys out of the hands of criminals."

Police are concerned that the ability of freeze-dried assault monkeys to be concealed in a Kool-Aid container and rehydrated moments before attack makes the monkeys useful tools for criminals. "This bill helps law enforcement keep crime down, and protect our officers," said FBI Director Gillian Anderson. "Besides, citizens concerned with home defense can still walk into any monkey store in the nation and purchase a Kevlar-Plated Kung-Fu Gorilla, or a Jet-Turbine All-Aspect Marmoset. Either is better suited to protecting home and hearth. An even better investment would be a home escape pod."

In March of 2000, O'Donnell's family was wiped out by assault monkeys. The television personality escaped only because of a recently installed escape pod.

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