The following are reputedly to replies included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing details about the father.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, [my eggs] might have remained unfertilised.

- (indeterminate origin)

An agency for getting an absent, separated, or divorced parent to pay their share of upkeep for a child. Often much reviled.

In Britain the CSA is part of the Department for Work and Pensions, introduced in 1993. There are separate but related CSA schemes for England and Wales, for Scotland, and for Northern Ireland. (The rumour that the England and Wales branch is paying maintenance to the others is frivolous.) The following relates to their system.

One parent is defined as the Parent With Care and the other as the Non Resident Parent. The latter might be anyone from one who has shared custody of the child but has fewer nights with it; to an anonymous cad who eats, roots, and leaves. The CSA has strong powers to force disclosure of income and addresses, to send in the bailiffs, and to compel employers to operate Deduction from Earnings orders. Unlike other Attachments of Earnings such as Council Tax, they don't need to go through a court to get this order.

Until 2003 the amounts payable were decided by the CSA after consideration of the incomes of the two parents and the present partner of the Parent With Care. The liable parent has a protected amount of earnings, such that CSA deductions cannot cause their net pay in any given period to fall below this protected amount. If the CSA payment due is not therefore payable in full from the excess over these earnings, the outstanding part of the amount is carried forward to the next period.

The protected amount can also be carried forward. It is meant to be an average net earnings needed by the liable parent. If in any period their actual net pay falls below the protected amount, the shortfall is carried over and added into next period's protected amount, so that the average is not disrupted.

An employer can deduct £1 more to cover administration of an order. This is allowed to eat into the protected salary.

Effective from 3 March 2003 the amounts payable are based on fixed rates and on the number of children. Non-resident parents on a low income, up to £100 a week, pay £5 a week. Between £200 and £2000 a week the amount of net earnings payable is 15% for one child, 20% for two, and 25% for three or more. Allowance at the same rates is made for any children in their new family. This system only applies to new cases, but the intention is to gradually transfer existing child support arrangements across to it.

Learn all about it at

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