This node is intended to give a brief flavour of each of the main rags (sorry, papers) published in the UK. Not in an entirely serious manner - but quite accurately. Serious writeups may be found at UK newspapers.

Daily Telegraph - Thinks Tony Blair is an impudent young upstart, who should learn some lessons in economic management from that delightful old fellow, Harold MacMillan. Read by retired colonels and people who think Britain would be better if it was run by a Conservative, preferably Margaret Thatcher.

Financial Times - Thinks Tony Blair may fall foul of trying to mix classic monetary financial management with Keynesian social idealism, and that he could learn some lessons from the 80s failings/successes (depending upon which day of the week you're reading it). Read by sharp-suited young City dwellers, who haven't the faintest idea what the columns of tiny numbers mean, but are sure they must be important. A delightful shade of pink, and absorbent (and popular) enough to replace toilet paper. (In reality, probably the best financial newspaper in the World, and certainly the only one in this bunch worth reading for unbiased news coverage).

The Times - Thinks Rupert Murdoch is a magnificent, ingenious tycoon (although he probably can't do the crossword). Read by people who think it is intellectual, but can't stomach the Daily Telegraph's occasional Tory rantings. Passionate that Tony Blair is a fantastic, sensible leader (who may well be in the pay of Rupert Murdoch - did we mention how great he is?). Thinks Britain should be run by the highest bidder (to Rupert Murdoch).

The Guardian - Known also as The Grauniad thanks to its traditionally poor proofreading, this is the weapon of choice for the socialist intelligentsia - although it tends to be read solely by disaffected youths and their teachers. Often contains enough rubbish for a landfill sight, this sometimes being offset by some decent journalism. Tony Blair is a means to an end, a mere pawn in the socialist compaign for world dominance (apparently).

The Independent - I heard this was thinking of changing its name to "The Daily Pacifist". Tony Blair is an evil warmonger, second only to Genghis Khan for his right-wing approach. Read by... someone help me here. Recently downsized to a "compact" (that's tabloid to you and me) edition, despite having criticized The Times for running a "compact" edition, in a desperate attempt to find new readers.

Daily Express - Owned by a pornographer (one Richard Desmond), hence aka the Daily Sexpress - but we will sue you if you dare to suggest that our family loving owner (also publisher of such family newspapers as Readers' Wives, Asian Babes, and Big Ones) is an immoral peddler of sexist rubbish. Read by someone (I'm sure). Thinks Tony Blair used to be great (when he supported Desmond) but is now dreadful (now that he doesn't). Thinks the country should be run by Jordan, or any other suitably well-endowed bimbo.

Daily Mail - House prices? AAAARGH! Gay men - AAAARGH! Pensions crisis - AAAAAARGH. Etc, etc. AKA the Daily Hell or the Daily Wail. Thinks Blair is an evil puppet of murderous socialists, bent upon destryoing the middle classes and condemning our nation's youth to a life blighted by gay, leftist asylum seekers, who are ruining house prices. No, seriously. Read by angry people. Oh, the Daily Wail is the only paper not to realise that Lynda Lee Potter is the Devil's spawn.

Daily Mirror - News? NEWS? Where can we buy some faked photos from? Probably the only newspaper in the world that thinks that chaging its banner's colouring, removing one page per issue of tawdry, celebrity-obsessed froth, and filling it instead with John Pilger's increasingly paranoid rantings, dubious photos of British servicemen, and puerile babble from Paul Burrell will attract readers. Thinks Britain should ALWAYS be run by Tony Blair, to stave off the bloodthirsty Tory tyrants, who probably eat babies in their spare time (ie, when not introducing the Poll Tax or (insert other Tory atrocity)). Also known as the Daily Moron.

The Star - No, it isn't Communist. Smutty is the word, and this particular rag makes no pretences, running "news" items like "GOATS MUTILATED IN ALIEN ABDUCTION". Need I say more?

The Sun - Did we mention how great Rupert Murdoch is? NO? He's FANTASTIC! HURRAH FOR OUR BOYS! HURRAH FOR BLAIR! HURRAH FOR THE CONSERVATIVES! Confused yet? Doesn't care who runs the country as long as she's blonde, single, and has big knockers. Being the only newspaper to have enough daring to print "news" under the headline, "FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER", you can almost understand why this remains the highest-read and, therefore, most influential paper in the country.

I'm scared....

Other newspapers include the sunday papers (Sunday Times, Sunday Telegraph, Sunday Mail, Sunday Mirror, The People and The News of the World (AKA the Screws of the World, it recently carried the headline "ASYLUM SEEKERS EAT OUR DONKEYS"). Also, there is a moderately well-known Communist paper called The Morning Star. The periodical Private Eye is probably the most unbiased of the lot, as it consistently, ruthlessly, and righteously pokes fun at the rest of the media.

Thanks to Andrew Aguecheek, drownzsurf, BlueDragon, Heisenberg and Oolong for pointing out my crass ommissions.

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