Notes to dad, cont.
To justify the ways of man to God.
I suppose what I am attempting to do is come out to you as who I am, as all of me, as fully as possible – as fully me. And that you have placed the word ‘rebellion’ over the acts that I have done, and do, and will continue to do, lends me an inclination towards showing you myself in the light of opposition. I love you and do not wish to hurt you, and yet this is what I have come to see as my way, this way that hurts you. Perhaps it does smack of pride, but I do not see in that way. ‘Opposition is True Friendship’… I disagree not so much with your morality as your way of dealing with the sides of experience which have been cast in the light of ‘transgression’ and ‘sin’ against a Law that ingeniously institutes forgiveness as a way of return to it. I do not want forgiveness. I want to make sense of what I do and why I do it so excessively. I can’t help but feel that I have become so free through bondage, that all of these fears and destructions I have weathered, I have thrust myself into, have liberated me. Life is grand, life is magnificent, life is terrible and insane and how I lived and thought of life when I was under your roof seems so small to how I experience everything now.
It is not about rebellion. It is not about pride. It is about growing into a standing that can accept things and know things not from a fear of them destroying me or casting me into the flames of some vindictive hell. It is about recognizing these tendencies of things to thwart clear vision, and what thwarts vision, what hampers awareness, is just as much excess in base things as it is zealousness in high things.
There’s a fine line between justification and explication. Maybe the lesser of the two becomes apparent when one is seen to be chasing agreement or concession. I don’t expect your blessing. I do not search to convert you. I almost see us as irreconcilably opposed in our means, yet our goal, deep down, is it not the same? To understand and implement Wisdom into our lives and our worlds? And Can our ways unto realization, as divergent in principle and participle as they are opposed in action and now in dialogue – can they, the ways, find strengthening and affirmation and refinement through us? Through our discuss? Through our abandonment of disgust and a recognition of an inherent need in us for the other in our plight? In trust, in true, determined acceptance? Through Love?
…this world, it is not about to end, it has been ending for the last hundred and thousand and thousands of years, as it ends for each one of us – but for me, twenty-two and age-starved, it is new, it is just yet again beginning. Myself, I feel myself not on the eve of an apocalypse, but an advent. I feel the approach of something full. Full of life and expanding. And that’s just it, and the shell, cracking, makes a big “whop”! But the root, growing, doesn’t need much sound to do its thing.