Everyone has a soul mate somewhere. Tom Petty’s soul mate is a pebble on top of Mount Kilomanjaro in the Ukrainian section of the Andes range. But the point is everyone has a soul mate. The following guide will teach you how to attract your soul mate.

This is a factual statement:
Your self esteem is like the stake at a witch burning: Absolutely necessary.

How your self esteem will ever recover from that time in 8th grade when Caitlyn Dresch pointed out your cold sore in front of the whole class, I’ll never know. But the important thing is that you at least FAKE a strong sense of self esteem. When going on a first date, answer every question with “hell yeah” and never avert your gaze from her eyes.

There you have it. It’s that easy.

It is also important to keep up your hygiene. Eleven basic tenets of masculine hygiene are:

  1. wax your mustache like a French boxer from the 1920’s
  2. never cut your fingernails — the longest fingernails win! Dick Cheney’s are seven inches long although the mainstream press always Photoshops them out!
  3. save toenail clippings so you can show them at that special moment
  4. in a separate container, save eye crusties and sleepies; this is who you are — be proud and she’ll bone you.
  5. brush only the front teeth; no one can see those molars and wisdom teeth anyway so why waste your time when you should be watching sports?
  6. don’t forget the steroids! you need strong thighs for thrusting.
  7. if you have manly chest hair, shave on a Batman symbol just in case.
  8. if you don’t have manly chest hair, this node endorses Rogaine with extra Monoxodil.
  9. before any first date have your mother smack you in the face with a Mag-Lite flashlight; nothing is sexier to a woman than a black eye and a broken nose.
  10. shave off one eyebrow
  11. botox everything

It has been a common misconception that women are afraid of heights. This is pure nonsense. It may however be true that women are allergic to Stetson cologne, though.

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