Welcome to our little lecture. This is entitled, "A pep talk for your penis." Ladies, and boys, you may, at this time depart. Thank you. Let's begin.

You've all seen the spam mail that flies around the internet these days. Particularly the 'free e-mail' sites are clogged with it, like the arteries of a family following the Christmas season. And, as many of you are no doubt aware, there is a laughably small limit to the amount of such e-mails you can block. Chances are that, if you sign up, you will find your inbox infested with this garbage in 1-2 days, if not less. The e-mails seem to have a gravitational attraction to your inbox, but they don't just strike it. They hit your inbox like eggs hitting concrete. Not only is it not pretty, and hard to clean up, but, like the eggs, the longer you take to get to it, the worse it will get, and in no time at all you will have a smelly, ugly, scrambled mess. The only objects in the universe that have a stronger gravitational pull are the Spaghetti sauce to a white, Italian shirt.

Now, what makes it even worse, is that, as men, you will be barraged not only by the entertaining, and sometimes enjoyable pornography offers (Oh, come on, you know you indulge once in a while!) but you will receive hundreds of offers for Viagra, Viagra-substitutes, and penis enlargement pills. A study was done recently, by a doctor in Oregon (whose name cannot be released. He's not stupid guys) who researched the effects of these "enlargement-pill ads." It showed that men with free e-mail services (like Hotmail, Yahoo, etc.) received so many e-mails barraging them with negative messages about their members that the little guys actually shrank over the course of a year. Sad. These messages are everywhere, and their not exclusive. A friend of mine recently said "I signed up for one of those free e-mail services. Within 20 minutes, I got 12 offers to enlarge sexual organs which I didn't possess, and several to enhance organs I hadn't heard of!"

Lesson #1: Your Penis is small.

Lesson #2: If you believed that, then chances are, it's true.

Lesson #3: Welcome to the internet, little boy!

But we're not here today to talk about your penises. No, no, no. We're here today to talk about MY PENIS. Suckers. The doors are locked, and there are no refunds. Sit your asses down and listen up.

OK, so a few days ago I got an advertisement in my e-mail. Big deal right? Well, this advertisement was, as you may have guessed, a penis-enlargement advertisement. Generally I just delete them, but recently I've become so fed up with these pathetic ads that I've been opening them and looking for the little tab that says "remove." You know, the one that's surrounded by random gibberish like "The dog jumped over the purple fence" and "Vote Bush in 2004." Anyway, I opened up this particular e-mail, and was searching for the "remove" button when I noticed something. I noticed that the advertisement was written in German. Now, I don't know about you, but this tickled my funny bone. This was the first time that I'd ever received a non-pornography e-mail from a German company. I thought that it was pretty damn funny. Now, I could've looked at this in 3 ways.

You're probably thinking of the first way, at this point. Many of you are no doubt thinking something like "Dude, it’s sad that your penis is so small that another country decide to offer to help." I would be lying if I told you that this though hadn't occurred. The second option is "A German company got my e-mail, assumed that I was a guy, and sent me a crap e-mail on the hopes that they might get lucky and make a sale." These are both...ways of looking at it. The third way, which I chose, was this- "Man, my penis is so well-known that people around the world care about its usage, and its size. My penis is an international figure!" It's nicer that way, and it makes your penis sound even more pathetic than it already is.

Lesson #4: My penis is internationally recognized.

Lesson #5: Your penis couldn't get recognition outside of your family.

So, here's the deal. You can all stop worrying because my penis has made so much money doing commercials for German Viagra companies that it can retire, whereas your penis's need some help. But, lucky for you, I have just the thing to help you with your problems. Here are two very well-known methods of helping get your penis... "up to standards."

The first method, and most cost-effective: Yell at your penis for hours on end. Sit there glaring at it, and scream things like "You pathetic little worm. I hate you. You're so small that I couldn't find you without tweezers and a magnifying glass. You're worthless. You couldn't f*ck pudding with a truck-full of Viagra!" And so on. This will eventually anger the penis, which will then react like many birds, which ruffle their feathers and spread their wings in an attempt to make themselves look larger and more threatening. But don't be fooled. The birds aren't really larger, and neither is your penis.

The second method, and perhaps the most "modern": Find a specialist. This is known as a penis-masseuse. They are most commonly found in Nevada, however if you look in dark alleys, badly-lit street corners, and at your parents house, you can probably find one. They also go under another title, which is called an "Escort service." These specialists will find methods to help you enlarge your penis, though, much like physical therapy, the benefit of these “miracle workers” is, often only temporary. Be careful with some of these specialists, however. This method is often practiced through what hippies and beatniks referred to as "alternative medicine." With safety precautions, however, this method can be quite effective.

What's the bottom line here? Your penis is small, and mines world-known. You want to get your penis to stand straight; I just want to get mine off the ground. Your penis really isn't that small. It's just an illusion, created to fool you into believing that it is, so that you'll buy their product, which doesn't actually work, and is more likely to enlarge your breasts than your penis. As you will see, once the Bush Administration no longer needs funding, many of these penal enhancement advertisements will go away. Feel better? Good.

Your penis doesn't really need an herbal supplement from your e-mail, and junk mail...All it really needs is some love and attention...And a little of this SPECIAL, UNIQUE, ONE-TIME-OFFER WONDER-DRUG which we have for you for only a limited time. $99.95, plus shipping and *cough* handling.

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