silesius

finding the eternal pleasure pond from the center of my cranium.... smiling all the time.... and what i have to give... i'm learning is more than any material thing... yikes.... ..... and as coy as it may sound..... i have found so many excuses... for my self and for others.... depressed... i'm no good.... i've been preoccupied.. i'm not ready yet.... need to learn to trust.. afraid of love.... if i don't love myself how can anybody love me.... i see all the people in horrid relationships.... but a lot of times i think it is what it appears on the outside.... because mostly they wouldn't trade it..... still i think.... now.... it doesn’t' hold up.... because coming down to it... i'm a really unique individual.... slightly intimidating.... terribly mystifying and vey intelligent in a post post transmodern way.... most common knowledge is in my recycle bin and i don't memorize anything.. if it isn't solid enough to stick.... i let it go... because i can always look it up or put it in my own lay words..... what does that have to do with love.... in my mind i really sink.... ugly ugly bad person i'd think i am..... with moments of greatness... i would talk my way right out of a good impression... so not to hog the spotlight.... i fell so far away from social contact.... work and sleep is all i had with movies inbetween like the last 12 years.. because i was trying to learn to be happy with just myself.... from the inside through... it is not an easy task to really do it.... i mean... really tap the source... i'm a very sensitive person.... every thing effects me big... i locked myself away.... you can't do it really ... you can't escape distraction... you can't completely leave... talking becomes exotic... when talking is all the contact you got... i'm rambling and i like it.... lol.... i'm not good enough........ it is true.... intuition and instinct is very precise in these matters of selection... i've watched very closely as i've shifted my hygiene and diet to resister pharmonic tones soothing to a woman’s penal gland.... diminishing to another male.... i begin to stand out... it is no mystery to me any more.. but all this... is garbage.. ha... i should be in bed... its a new window this forum.... for me... and it is so excellerating my capacity to think.... i like it.... thank you for allowing me bounce about... in your thoughts for the moment....