Not eating still. Don't feel like cooking, there's just rice and vegetables. May drink cold soy milk after pouring hot chocolate mix in it. Currently naked, wrapped in a dirty blanket awake for hours. Can't make music, can't write, the notes are all wrong, discordant, the words are all insufficient. Must take the bus in a few hours to get checked for STDs. Feels like I'm visibly atrophying. Strange warts, hair thinning, gray hairs in my beard. I'm only 21. Probably just a hypochondriac, just paranoid, just overly aware. Writing these insignificant thoughts is all I can do to affirm my life, my existence. A satellite adrift in outer space, sending out radio signals. Forgot how to cry years ago, can't be clever like you. Those are old conceits. Turns out I have less talent than I thought before, but that I'm not completely talentless. A new motto. Too logical for love, too logical for insanity. Listening to Joy Division, Radiohead, The Raincoats, Manic Street Preachers, and Nirvana obsessively (no, I'm not British). I WILL laugh at this later. Writing a sentence, now, is like climbing up a cliff. A paragraph is a mountain range, the Himalayas. Remembering every little thing I did wrong, imagining I'm being persecuted for it. Looking for reassurance from other people and not finding it. Will affect self-modesty to hide self-loathing/self-glorifying (thinking you're the greatest, but hating yourself and others for not actually being so). Damn, damn, damn. Shying away from friendships. Acting happy, being engaging - it's all too exhausting, not worth the effort. In isolation, looking out of a large window to see hummingbirds feeding, discovering who I am by analyzing my shadow, vague, formless, always changing. Shadows everywhere, always changing - larger then smaller, slanting right then slanting left. No work, no school today. Must shower now, try for another day.
I know this is terrible writing, but this is the best I can accomplish right now, literally.
Today's mix CD/playlist:
young marble giants - credit in the straight world
the kinks - see my friends
panda bear - comfy in nautica
manic street preachers - sculpture of man
joy division - isolation
aphex twin - nannou
radiohead - dollars and cents
the raincoats - the void
ariel pink's haunted graffiti - among dreams
my bloody valentine - to here knows when
nirvana - tourette's