I am mad at everybody.
I am mad at Skyler
for not being enough and I am mad at Frances
for being out of the country and I am mad at myself for being mad at myself again
. I will stare into this box and bang out the words for the approximations for what I am feeling, or the parts I want you to know, because after all my big talk I can never quite get over the weirdness of someone reading this, or anything else. I wonder when I will stop worrying about an invisible
reader and start trying to say things truly
. Yesterday in the car I caught myself not just being happy
, but being happy without analyzing it
, and I was able to hover
in that for a long time, all day
, it seemed. I laughed out loud in the car, laughed at myself, all trouble seemed so silly and far away
. Just now I tried to make dinner for myself and I couldn't see it. Good thing I can touch type but why is it that this
is what I am doing? I'm crying so hard I scared the cat, and what comfort do I think this box is going to bring me?
Skyler tries but of course he is not enough. I miss Frances more than you can understand. Communication is not ever the same when the two of you aren't in the same room together. I took it all for granted. How many million times did we stay up all night laughing? I was silly with her like I am not silly with so many other people. She gave me licenses to do many things. Being with her was like being ten years old all the time, but if I suddenly needed to be older, she was too, and would talk me through anything. Sometimes I think I am staying in this city simply because she might come back to it some day.
I used to get so upset about things when I was little. A lot of people didn't like me, mostly school was a minefield of cruelty. Walk carefully, don't attract attention. I would go home and cry most days it seems. It couldn't have been most days but those are the days I remember. I was violently sad, I threw things. Still do. Is it better to be hated or to be unknown? It's a valid question. I don't have any enemies because I don't know anyone, have taken no risks. I work at home, I see few faces. Do you remember the first day of college or your first week in a new city, when you didn't know anyone and didn't know how to start knowing anyone? I have felt like that for years.