Tonight the bed is cold because it is just me in it and my body heat by itself is not sufficient to heat this blanket up like the oven that she is able to make it.
The moonlight is dripping down through tree branches
and in through my window and here is where I expect to trace the light and find her head on the pillow. I do not set my expectations high so when they do not pan out I am not upset. Tonight I am upset anyway.
I am half distraught because I remember the last time this happened; the last time I was left shivering under sheets. When she did not sleep next to me for a week and I was distraught, could not sleep.
I sleep horribly with another body
but it is a nice thought to think she will be there if I wake up in a cold sweat nightmare. It is a nice idea to wish for someone
to take care of me in the dark.
Tonight she is not sad or angry but her heart is not all here. She said
she wanted quiet, which really means she did not want me there, so I went out for cigarettes. I did not know how long I had been gone but when I got home she was sleeping soundly already.
Sprawled out, every lap pillow stuffed under her head, hoarded, the throw blanket solely on her. As if to say, you do not get a piece of this tonight, this couch is not big enough for the two of us. Not welcome.
She will chalk it up in the morning nonchalantly, she will say, I fell asleep watching tv (I will not tell her I know the tv was not on.) And tomorrow night she will fall asleep there while reading a book. Maybe the next she will be honest, I slept here for space.
Kate and I have our own strange affairs. Do not cheat on each other with another but instead with ourselves. Disappear out of bed for nights on end just to be by ourselves. We both know we do this but will not be honest
, why do we do this?
Tonight bed is jealous of couch
and I am jealous of whatever thought it is that has kept her by herself. An owl hoots out side my window in the middle of the night and I wish she were next to me to hear it.