We went out to play
pool tonight, and I honestly would have preferred to
stay home, but at the insistence of others I did in fact leave the house. We were at the pool'y place for around
two hours, and then wanted to head somewhere else. I suggested
The Second Cup, because I could have gone for some
cappuccino, but instead we ended up at
Pizza Hut. I was just tired of everything, because I'm so infinitely sick of doing what
everyone else wants me to.. so instead of ordering pizza I insisted on
alcohol.
To make a long story short, I was a little
tipsy after two
vodka cooler's, one 5% alcohol the other 7%. I mean, I never drink, so it was enough to make me at least a little
odd.. and I f$*@#ing hate myself for it, so much, to the point that I'd like to
cry about it, well, I am. I'm so mad at the
people who keep wanting me to do something else.. I was so happy just sitting
here, going for a
walk outside (planning out one of my
dreamy content filled letters for one noder I've already chosen in my "
who want's a.." thing), but everyone else wanted to go out and I got
dragged along.
I mean I know it was
my fault but god damn I hate that so much..
my words are me, if I can't form a
proper sentence than I'm just not me anymore, and I wasn't, and it makes me so
incredibly sad that I did it at all. I was so proud of myself for never even getting anywhere close to
drunk, and I fucked it up, I've lost all respect for myself, and it's not as if I had an
abundance of it in the
first place.
I guess you
learn from your mistakes, and I have, but it was so stupid, so
so stupid.. and I wish to god there was someone to tell me it was
alright, that I haven't just done the stupidest thing
ever.. but I did, I know I did. And now here I am, whining again, yes, whining.. "
Why must you whine?".. because I'm sad, I'm very
sad, alright? It's alright though.. 'cause I just realized something..
There
you are, you.. always there just
exactly when I need you the most.. hm.. it really can't be
coincidental.
I've learned my little
lesson, any way..
alcohol really is a depressant. I guess I didn't really believe that until just
now.. but there they are, the
stars that change my mind, floating around up
in the sky.
Dreadfully sorry for that, I'll refrain from alcohol use from this point on, honestly.