The law of inverse ninjas, also known as the law of conservation of ninjitsu, is an empirical observation that arises from seeing martial art action sequences in any number of movies. It was first described in Sir William Rowan Brawlington's groundbreaking work from 1896, entitled On Niponese Gluteal Bastement. Sir Brawlington, a learned man much ahead of his time, also noticed the phenomemon that today we know as the stormtrooper effect. As we all know, the effort to fully unify both phenomena remains an active area of research in the field of geeky nitpickery. Modern evidence for confirmation of the law of inverse ninjas will be given shortly.

The law can be best stated in conservative form as follows: "In any given opposing team of evil ninjas, total ninjitsu is conserved." Thus, we have inverse variation, and the more evil ninjas in the opposing team, the less ninja skill each one has individually. Mathematically,

s = N/t

where s is the individual ninja skill of each team member, t is the total number of ninjas, and N is the ninjitsu constant.

The upshot of all of this is that while it's easy for a single person to take out 88 crazy ninjas, one-on-one ninja battles are much more difficult and dramatic.

One further observation is that the law has wider applicability than simply strict ninjitsu. Research points towards conservation of kung-fu, jiu-jitsu, aikido, judo, muay-thai, street fighting, capoeira, sumo wrestling, lucha libre, drunken boxing, kung-pao, and every other martial art and conceivable method of kicking butt. This in turn leads to ineffectual multitudes of henchmen easily dispatched by one or two average joes or joannes with a rudimentary ability to swing their fists and feet around choreographically.

I offer a small sample of the law of inverse ninjas at work.

  • The Bride in Kill Bill whoops everyone's ass, but it's easier when there are more asses to whoop.
  • The multitude of viral Agent Smiths in Matrix Reloaded can't offer much of a fight (and fall like bowling pins). Becoming aware of this, for the final fight Agent Smith decides to go solo and offering a much better show, winning by ninjitsu but killed by stupidity (and evil mastermind monologue syndrome).
  • Unusually, it applies to actual ninjas of the amphibian adolescent kind, constantly, and more faithfully than gravity itself.
  • In the Eastern world, we see the primordial origins of the law of inverse ninjas with such fine work as Drunken Master or practically every other Jackie Chan movie, as well as his inspiration Bruce Lee, and the phenomenon bleeds over to animation with works as diverse as the feudal Ninja Scroll or the technoish ooh-look-at-me-I'm-philosophising-on-the-meaning-of-being Ghost in the Shell.
  • The conservation of ninjitsu is so strong that entire genres of video games can be built around it. In the late 80's up until the mid 90's the so-called beat-em-up variety of video games was popular with representatives such as Final Fight and Double Dragon (why, oh why, did they make that movie out of it?).
  • And finally for now, inverse ninja reactions can also be observed even in Disney classics such as the Lion King when Rafiki proves his kung-fu is stronger than the hyenas' kung fu or in Shrek when the Princess what's-her-face demonstrates that with a little preservation of ninjitsu, even a babe in a form-fitting dress can take out a band of marauding ruffians.

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