I was told beforehand that her work schedule has been changed, that she was going back to the morning team. Yet, she was not around when I came in that day. Things were the same as before, and for unexplained reasons, this brought both relief and disappointment in my heart.
Then suddenly, from across the room, I saw her. There was no advance sign, no smell of an approaching sweet scent, no feeling of a breeze set to blow gently, no butterflies in the stomach. Just her nearness, and her disarming way of doing things.
All at once, everything fell into disarray. Like a huge dam abruptly shattered by the mighty powers of its stored water, I found the feelings I thought I had thrown away coming back in full force.
The next hour or so was spent in awe of her, her natural glide towards the door, her innocent stares, and her seemingly endless ways of making me nervous and fickle.
It's funny how you get to think that at some point in time, you have overcome a certain feeling. Only to discover, both to your dismay and to your excitement, that time has just played a cruel trick on you.
This is the reality that is now staring me in the face. The reality that you can never completely run away from that which you know in your heart is something that you would gladly experience. For it will eventually catch up with you, and haunt you, until you find the courage to face up to it, and embrace it as real and as a continuing part of your transition to a better self.
It matters not that the feeling may be wrong, for the concept of right and wrong is often relative. A concept that only the gods can accurately decide on.
Having said that, I know now that this feeling that I once thought has been silenced never really went away. It continues to exist and grow, and until I find the most opportune time to tell her, this all-powerful but most precious feelling will continue to consume me.