Often, my mind wanders back to an old online girlfriend of mine. She knows who she is - but for the sake of this node, I'll refer to her by her alias: Silveranne.

We really did know each other for a long time. We met many years ago, in one of the first MMORPGs, Gemstone III. Although for the first several years, there was never anything intimate, it eventually became so.

The story? Well, its pretty interesting, actually (to me, at least). You see, like many other guys, I played a female in the game. Some of you may think that its strange and perverted, but I had a ton of fun doing it. It was a great challenge, too. Well, anyways - Silveranne never knew that I was really a male. Nobody did, really. I was very convincing in my role. (As a side note, getting to participate in "girl talk" certainly gives one an interesting perspective in life when dealing with females.)

Anyways. Silveranne was having trouble with her boyfriend. He really didn't give her the attention and love that she deserved. He didn't pay attention to her. He was a nice guy, and certainly quite funny - just not a very good significant other. Being a close online friend to both of them, I tried to help them both out. Often, I would be in the "middle" of their conversations, unbeknownst to either of them. One day, Silveranne was just very depressed because of their poor relationship, and she wanted to call and talk to me.

Although I was very apprehensive about it, I agreed to let her call me, and gave her my phone number. I've never had a worse case of butterflies in my stomach then I did as I waited for her first call. Needless to say, she was very stunned to hear that her "girlfriend" of the last several years was actually a guy! After she got over the shock, we started talking, and really got to know each other. (She has a pretty voice.) After a while, she eventually gave up on her boyfriend, and we became a virtual couple. It was interesting in the game, being a lesbian couple, if you will. But we had fun with it.

Sorry, for the rambling. It was more to get me in the mood to write this node than anything else.

Why don't we see each other anymore? Sigh... Well, she was very intelligent and funny, and I enjoyed talking to her on the phone and online. But she - she lived in California, and I lived in Minnesota. Neither one of us was old enough to be able to travel across the nation to see each other.

I got very frustrated - I was true to her the entire time we were dating. I didn't have any girlfriends (IRL) during that time. Long distance relationships are very, very hard. Especially when you've never met.

Additionally, I was very worried for her health. I was a very "clean" healthy guy. She was overweight, smoked, and did drugs. I was concerned for her - but it didn't seem to bother her. (This is not a personal attack on her: we are who we are, and I accepted her lifestyle - even though I didn't agree with it.)

Eventually I had to let her go. Do I regret it? Much more than I wish I did. She was great to hang with online, and I sincerly enjoyed her company. But she was so far away, and our lifestyles were so different. Did I make a mistake in giving up on someone I really cared for? I just don't know, I just don't know...

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