Some time ago, my friend Emilio went insane. We were huddled around our data-entry terminals (sirs, you know the place, 19 Big Government Plaza, 50th Floor), and poor Emilio rushes in with his hair afire and a wild look in his eyes, screaming,
"Sweet Jesus! The bastards are bombing Washington!"
Naturally, we were all quite concerned, but a quick check of the TV news informed us that Washington was quite safe from external powers, just serenely consuming itself as always.
We gave Emilio some coffee and tried our best to calm him down, but by closing time it became necessary to have him committed.
Sirs, this sort of behavior must stop.
We cannot and will not tolerate any further such deviations from the tranquil paths we have laid for ourselves. We have abdicated certain measures of domestic authority; in return we expect only that you, Big Media, grant us a modicum of truth. Think of poor Emilio, whom your headlines have driven mad.
Our demands are simple:
- An immediate cessation of open hostilities around the globe.
- A gradual phasing-out of clandestine schemes at world domination, both international and domestic.
- A rescinding of all statements contradicting the obverse of any and all implied or openly stated manifestos, regardless of historicity or public consent.
- A drastic reduction in the price of over-the-counter nerve-calming pharmaceuticals.
Failure to meet with our demands in a timely fashion will result in a stream of misinformation pouring into Big Government terminals, so thick and so precise in its untruthfulness, that the bastards, sirs, will truly be bombing Washington ere long. We trust you have the power, and will see the reason in our humble demands.
For the people,
Municipal Employee #XRQ119