"damn.. it's 6am" I mumble to myself.. i look at my moniter.. and the channel is pretty much idle.. i hop in the shower.. while the hot water courses over my body.. i close my eyes.. and think about the past year.. I have always been good with computers and electronics.. always a bit of a tomboy.. but i never ever pictured this.. this is the life some think is fictional.. "tell me about your cyber life.. your cyber world.. your cyber friends.." askes a guy at a friend's party.. i was drunk.. he wouldn't shut up.. "why would you rather talk to people over the computer than go be a NORMAL person.." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.. his words won't stop.. I slug him and leave..

maybe im not normal.. maybe im a freak.. from the outside i look like a normal 18 year old college student.. ok figure.. bright eyes.. pale skin.. long dark hair.. far from a freak.. quirky at the most.. looking like a gap poster child with a cartoon backpack.. but the normality ends on the exterior.. the thoughts that go through my head.. of worlds colliding.. problems that most find frustrating.. solutions come to me with ease.. which alienates me to the point of silence.. maybe i am a freak.. because i cant stand the intellect of my generation.. i find most people petty, two-faced, confused, and stupid with no will to learn.. where the shape of the body.. and the size of the breast.. the legnth of the hair.. and trendiness of the clothes mean more than the expansion of the mind.. so i chose my friends carefully.. i discared the two-faced party crowd for a few close friends.. who are smart and wonderful.. yet still dont understand what is going through my mind..

i step out of the shower.. and get ready to start my day.. as i put on my make-up i think over my night.. after i left the party i logged on.. checked my email.. and hopped on irc.. i was happy.. even though alot acted dumb or silly.. i felt at home.. i was conversing with people all over the country.. the skinny, the beautiful, the obese.. people from other countries.. people who were just like me.. or had nothing in common with me except my quest for knowledge and understanding of things.. people who i have met.. people who i will meet.. people who i never havemet, or will meet.. and i am happy.. well not happy.. but content.. comfortable.. at peace mentally.. social graces are different.. i dont have to make nice because of awkward situations when i really loathe someone.. i dont have to sit and grin and nod when i am really bored to death with someone's conversation..

i am an actress.. a scholar.. a girl.. a woman.. a philosopher.. a jester.. and more.. just like everyone else is.. i have my shield.. my act, or front or whatever you want to call it.. my self-defense mechinisam.. I use it most when i am out.. "oh you don't like me.. you find flaw with my personality.." well it wont hurt me.. thats not the real me you loathe.. its just an act.. its just an act..

Victoria Palmer, January 1997

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