Overview

Not Smoking is a very common problem in our society today. Although millions of people world-wide are affected by this socially debilitating disease, very little medical research has gone into helping these people. It seems that the only real option these poor souls have is to start smoking.

This course is designed to help these people do exactly that - from selecting the first pack of cigarettes all the way through to lighting up without coughing, throwing up or passing out, with plenty of social tips to help you along the way.

No more need you feel ashamed about your non-smoking ways! Now you, too, can Light Up, Breathe Deep, and Be Cool!


How do I start?

There are a couple of basic requirements needed before starting this course:

  1. A pulse
  2. Cigarettes (this is covered later)
  3. A light. (this is also covered later)


Choosing your cigarettes

There are three basic price slots on the market:
Forgive me, I'm using South African brands and prices
  • Expensive Cigarettes - Marlboro and a couple of foreign brands. These can go for up to R20 a box.
  • Normal Cigarettes - Stuyvesants, Camel, etc. These go for about R12 a box
  • Cheap Cigarettes - princeton, Yes, and a couple others. These go for about R6 a box.
Please note that these are prices for (real) cigarettes. Urban legend has it that menthol cigarettes make you sterile, and I figure that if you want your cigarette to taste like that, brush your teeth with lots of toothpaste and then light up. However, should you, in your quest for social acceptance, choose menthol cigarettes, you will probably be paying about R12 a box.
Please also note that while you can buy loose cigarettes (as in, only one cigarette at a time), you will be paying nearly double what you would if you simply bought a box. Loose cigarettes are generally R1 each.

Nearly as important as choosing your brand is choosing your strength. Most people start off with light cigarettes and work their way up - you can recognise a true, lifetime smoker simply by the fact that he smokes winston, usually gripped in between two fingers shaking so hard they'd only be still in an earthquake. Strength usually works like so:

  • Light cigarettes come in a blue or light-coloured box
  • Medium cigarettes come in a red box
  • Strong cigarettes will have the word Filter incorporated into the name on the box
I heartily recommend that you start with light cigarettes. If you want to start with heavy cigarettes, please refer to the disclaimer, and tell me before you do, so I can laugh as you throw up and pass out on the floor. That's what weed is for.

Lighting Up

For this, you'll need a lighter, match (preferably lit), blowtorch, open furnace - pretty much anything that generates enough heat to light something with - on a good day after work I can light up off of my car's dashboard. Many true smokers buy Zippos for this purpose, since they look damn fine. Hold the cigarette between your lips, with the darker yellow end in your mouth. Then using your fingers or just your lips, hold the cigarette horizontal and bring the incendiary device close to the other end of the cigarette.

Be careful not to burn yourself!

Once the incendiary device is close enough to light up the cigarette, open your chest and breath in on the cigarette. Do not take too much if it is your first time, but do not hold the smoke in your mouth - that is what your lungs are for.

Always remember - your trachea is the road to your lungs - so be good to it and tar it.

Once you have tried your first drag, breathe out. Try another drag. Well Done! You are now on the way to being a socially accepted cool person! If you feel a little nauseous, sit down, and try get some fresh air. Don't feel bad, many people have trouble breaking their habit of non-smoking. Just keep your eyes fixed on that reward - social acceptance.

In Closing

Now that you have successfully navigated the first, most difficult steps to breaking your non-smoking habit, there are a few important things to remember.

  • Ash. This is what comes off the end of your cigarette while it is being smoked. This should be placed in an ashtray. Occasionally it is fun to see how much ash you can keep on your cigarette before it falls off. It is considered very rude to ash on somebody.
  • Asking for cigarettes. While it is bad form to ask for cigarettes, everybody accepts that from time to time people have no cigarettes and need one badly. If you have no cigarettes, and you need one, ask. Generally, people will give you one. However, this is a karmic rule - What goes around comes around (who says cigarettes are bad for your karma?) Give cigarettes to people if they ask, and they shall reciprocate. Be stingy with your cigarettes, and you will find yourself VERY short when you need them. And don't leech. Asking for cigarettes should be an exception, not a rule.
  • The Virgin Rule. Some people will, when they buy a box of cigarettes, take the first one out, turn it around, and put it back. This is known as the virgin, and will be the last cigarette from that box that they will smoke. It is considered very rude to take someone's virgin - plus you will then owe them a box.
  • There is nothing worse than having a cigarette and not a light. Always give someone a light if they ask.
  • It is considered bad luck to light three cigarettes or more from one light. In the days of world war one, enemy snipers watched for people on the other side lighting cigarettes in the dark. In the time it took to light three cigarettes, the snipers could accurately gauge distance, windage and other variables, and thus shoot one of the soldiers. Thus, it is considered bad luck to use a single light to light three or more cigarettes (because getting shot in the head is bad luck). When using matches, put out the match after lighting the second cigarette, and light another. If using a lighter, let the flame die and relight it for that third cigarette.

Conclusion

I must congratulate you. You have successfully overcome your natural defects, and become one of the few, one of the proud, one of the cool. You are now a smoker. Pass on the good word, and remember the sacred mantra - Light Up, Breathe Deep, and Be Cool!

I am a smoker. I know it's bad for me. It'll probably be bad for you, too. Please don't tell me. Please don't take this seriously. If you do take it seriously, don't sue me.

nocodeforparanoia informs me that in New York, loose cigarettes are called Lucys, and that in 2001 they went for 40 cents.

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