There are few things in this world that will reduce me to a ranting driveler of scathing invective, but today I came upon one of them - a visit to P. Diddy's website (why I was there is irrelevant!). OK, so changing your name from Sean Combs to Puff Daddy is a relatively understandable activity - after all, not many words rhyme with Combs. I mean, you can't be a legit rapper spouting lyrics ending with "gnomes" and "roams," especially when you are a narcissistic arrogant ass who must speak about yourself in every lyric. But damn, changing your name from Puff Daddy to P. Diddy is a roll-my-eyes-gag-me-with-a-stick kind of move that quickly causes someone to jump up the ranks of my "Idiot of Life" list.

I warn you, gentle reader, not to make the same mistake that I did and read P. Diddy's personal bio on his official website. The quotes that follow (directly from http://www.p-diddy.com) were enough to raise his status from minorly irritating buzzing insect to Enemy #1.

"It is a rare and significant occasion when a musical artist captures and expresses the sentiments of a generation and expands his horizons to make an impact on society, creating a union between music and life. Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs is undoubtedly among this very select, very small group. With the roots of his talent stemming from rap and hip-hop but reaching way beyond those parameters, Sean has torn down the barricades that continue to segregate music and society. Through his music, he has allowed different genres - be it hip-hop, pop, soul, rap or underground - to integrate, and in the process, has given birth to a new and unique form... As CEO and founder of Bad Boy Entertainment, a pioneering producer, rapper and pop phenomenon, Sean has become one of today's most extraordinary, accomplished and unforgettable talents."

Are you serious? Is this for real? I don't want to "playa hate," and Puffy, I am guilty of occasionally humming along to your latest burst of creativity, but this description is going way over the top! You can't sing words like "Young, black and famous, with money hanging out the anus" and then proclaim you're representing a whole generation and tearing down barricades segregating music and society. You are extraordinary, accomplished and unforgettable like I am a supermodel. Your only real talent is self promotion, recycling other people's creations, and riding on the backs of anyone who will participate in your fraternity of unbridled spooging over your greatness.

"Sean Combs was born on November 4, 1969, in Harlem to Melvin and Janice Combs. The tragic murder of his father when he was just two years old forced his mom Janice to move Sean and his sister Keisha to a safer environment in Mount Vernon, New York. Janice Combs worked three jobs to provide the best opportunities for her family and education for her children. Sean attended the Mount Vernon Montessori School and later the Mount St. Michael Academy, where his entrepreneurial flair was first exhibited through his successful paper route at the age of 12."

The only thing the paper route had to do with your current success is it gave you the opportunity to toss junk my way. That Catholic boy's school, is that where you gained your street rep? Are the brothers there the same ones who taught you how to misspeak words so that you go on about your "birfday" and the only way you can get your point across is to pepper your interviews with "you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Sean attended Howard University in Washington, D.C., but his real education began when he signed up for an internship at Uptown Entertainment, where he met the man who would become his mentor, industry leader Andre Harrell (former President of Bad Boy Entertainment). Shuttling back and forth from Washington D.C. to New York City, Combs' extraordinary energy and commitment earned him the leap from intern at Uptown to Director of A&R at the age of 19. Shortly thereafter, in 1991, He became the careful sculptor of the careers of Uptown artists Jodeci and Mary J. Blige. He produced their music and influenced their image by tapping into the style and flare of urban youth. This brilliant combination ushered in the new musical genre of hip-hop soul, catapulting the music and style of African-American youth into the American mainstream and super-stardom. In 1993, Sean left Uptown, but he reemerged later the same year with a groundbreaking new company of his own, which he branded Bad Boy Entertainment."

"Combs initially had only two artists secured to the label: former EPMD roadie Craig Mack and friend/frequent collaborator the Notorious B.I.G.. The company's break can be credited mostly to the making and launching of Notorious B.I.G.'s multi-platinum debut 'Ready to Die' album which boasted Brooklyn-style beats combined with masterful storytelling. Several hit singles came out of this album, which brought Bad Boy and Combs industry-wide respect and praise. Sean was clearly recognized as a power producer, arranger and CEO who had an ear for recognizing great talent and developing big hits."

Oh really, I hadn't heard that P. Diddy was a friend to Notorious B.I.G. Except for when it is beat continuously into my head in every subsequent P. Diddy song and MTV performance and interview.

"Having truly mastered - and indeed redefined - the collaborative process, Sean commenced work on his own solo album debut. In January, 1997, he released an early single, 'Can't Nobody Hold Me Down' (featuring new Bad Boy discovery Mase), which held the #1 spot on Billboard's 'Hot R&B Singles' chart for nearly two months, spawned four record-breaking singles, and went platinum seven times over. His album 'No Way Out' also featured a Grammy-winning tribute to his prodigy and good friend, the late Notorious B.I.G., entitled 'I'll Be Missing You,' which was a remix of the Police's 1993 song 'Every Breath You Take' featuring Evans and Mase; 'It's All About the Benjamins/Been Around The World' with Notorious B.I.G. and Mase; and 'Victory' featuring B.I.G. and Busta Rhymes. 'No Way Out,' by Puff Daddy & The Family, debuted at #1 on the R&B charts and stayed on the charts for an astounding 28 weeks spanning 1997 and 1998... The album generated nearly two-dozen industry award nominations and won two Grammy awards, including Best Rap Album of the Year."

Please, don't even get me started on the desecration of "Every Breath You Take," which I can't listen to any more without scary vivid images of P. Diddy and Sting sharing the stage at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards - P. Diddy drowning Sting out with wild random yells of "B.I.G!!! 2Pac!!! Biggie!!!" Somebody hold me back.

"Sean also broke down the last remaining barriers in music by integrating different genres with the international hits 'Come with Me' on which he collaborated with rock legend Jimmy Page and 'Benjamins Rock' with The Foo Fighters. His seamless mix of hip-hop and rock, first introduced by musical pioneers Run DMC/Aerosmith and Public Enemy, will go down in the annals of music history as the beginning of a new musical genre that left the doors wide-open for acts like Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock. Sean's performance of 'I'll Be Missing You' with guest artists Sting, Faith Evans and 112 at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards was the defining moment that hip-hop had finally arrived. Following in the footsteps of pioneers, such as Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan, that fearlessly changed the face of their game, he has left an indelible mark that forever altered the sound, energy and dynamics of music."

The only way you followed Muhammad Ali was to change your name, only he did it for the sake of religion, to refute a history of oppression. You did it so you could sound like a pimp.

"In 1999, Sean released his second album, 'Forever,' an album to usher in the millennium. 'Forever,' which enjoyed multi-platinum success, was designed to push the edges of music while allowing hip-hop to assume its rightful place in the pantheon of global diversity. With hits like 'Satisfy You' (which earned #1 single on both Billboard's Rap and R&B charts) and 'Best-Friend,' 'Forever' demonstrated his ability to continuously innovate and entertain."

Goody, more uninspiring half-baked raps served up for the gobbling of the masses.

"With the release of 'P. Diddy & The Bad Boy Family - The Saga Continues,' Sean will once again keep the dance floors jammed. What originally began as a compilation, now features new music from P. Diddy, showcasing his evolution as an artist... Marking a turning point in his signature style, the album is comprised of original beats and music, as well as obscure samples."

You don't say. The turning point is that your beats are now original? Here's hoping I will never have to turn MTV on again immediately recognizing the inflated shiny jackets with flailing arms as a Puffy video.

"Not only have Sean's talents in the music industry become universally acknowledged, but the Bad Boy brand has come to encompass much more than just music. What started as a venture out of his own home had expanded not only into a multifaceted company, but a multi-million dollar business. Bad Boy ventures now include: Notorious Entertainment; the Sean John clothing line, which was nominated by the Council of Fashion Designers of America for the prestigious Perry Ellis Menswear Award in both 2000 and 2001; Justin Combs Music Publishing; Bad Boy Marketing; Bad Boy Productions; Daddy's House Studios; Daddy's House Social Programs; Bad Boy Technologies (P-Diddy.com and BadBoyOnline.com); Bad Boy Films and Bad Boy Books. His Sean John clothing line will soon introduce an underwear and women's line."

How dare you style yourself into a mediocre dabbler in all these industries and attempt to proclaim yourself the Renaissance Man of our generation. The only impressive thing I'll give you props for is getting Jennifer Lopez, and we all know where that ended. You thrive, not because of your talents, but because of your bling bling marketing hoopla of self-aggrandizement.

"Most recently, Sean has taken on the film industry, making his acting debut in the Artisan comedy 'Made,' directed by Jon Favreau ('Swingers'). He will also take a role in the upcoming Lion's Gate feature 'Monster's Ball.'"

Heaven help us.

"Sean and Bad Boy's rising success has helped him follow through on his private vow to give back to the community that had supported him in his youth and career. Knowing the positive impact the consistent and careful guidance of his family, teachers and mentors had on his own life, Sean established Daddy's House Social Programs, Inc. in 1995 to create educational programs and initiatives in inner-city youth. Far exceeding a simple charitable gesture, Sean helps to create and fund innovative youth programs, including Wall Street training teams, college visit tours for high school seniors, international travel groups, summer camp programs and internships at Bad Boy which Combs himself instructs. Sean returned to Howard University to donate $1 million to help continue the institution's commitment to educating African-American youth. Furthering the cause, Combs' helped to bridge the digital divide in urban schools by donating more than 100 computers to 500 New York City public schools. On Thanksgiving in 2000, Daddy's House annual food drive for underprivileged families took on a more special and somber meaning. Learning of the passing of civil rights leader Rev. Hosea Williams, Combs' was asked by the late leader's daughter to carry on his legacy. Combs' carried the torch of Rev. William's mission by sponsoring the annual Hosea's Feed the Hungry and Homeless Thanksgiving Day dinner for more than 30,000 people in Atlanta."

Very impressive. But I take it all with a grain of salt when I see P. Diddy strutting around preening himself with self-congratulatory obscene displays of Bentleys, diamond encrusted toilets, mink coats, entourage, etc. This means nothing when stood up against the role model behavior of being arrested twice for pulling firearms on members of the public and once bribing the chauffeur to take the blame.

"Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs' career continues on the road of tireless and indomitable creativity. In ten years, he has used every minute to build, inspire, create and share the success of an entertainment empire."

"Sean's innate talent will continue to impress upon the entertainment industry, fans and society to closely follow his future."

I will be watching. Oh yes, I will be watching.

"Sean Combs is a proud father to sons Justin, 7, Christian, 3, and his nine-year old step-son Quincy and resides in Manhattan, New York."
Puff Daddy, you once said "I think of everything I do as history in the making." You're right - every idiotic step you take in this shameless self-promotional blitz is taking you one step closer to being history - as in old news.

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