The, one day common, process in which buildings are made from their very basics, cows. Everybody knows, or should have at least been taught, that the strongest building material is a cow. They have the right personality to hold any building type together, whether it be industrial or residential. They provide a source of power, harnessed from their high output of methane, as well as many other positives. Which shall be listed such:

Camouflage: This may initially seem to be a somewhat negative trait for a building material, but bear with me. Have you ever seen a herd of cows? How well they all just blend in together? Have you ever seen a generic city street? Which one is more interesting to stare at? I know that you have just answered; the cows! I can hear the cries from here. The reason for this is the subtle differences between each cow. A building with personality is better than a building with forced ‘character’. Following on from this is the defense against predators. In this case, if someone is stalking you they may be able to find you if you have a distinctive house. However if you have a house that ‘looks a bit like a lot of cows stacked on top of one another’ and so does everyone elses. Well then, you’re in luck aren’t you? What could possibly go wrong? If someone appears on your doorstep and there are hundreds of cows staring at them morosely while chewing cud, it’s going to be an off putting experience. Unless they’ve built up a tolerance over several years, but that’s a whole other topic that I haven’t time to get into here. Another plus of the cow camouflage is in this instance you will have harmonious camouflage with your hundreds of cows all on first name terms and happy to be in a tessellating form, and there’s nothing better than a harmonious tessellating form.

Style: Cow print will never, ever, go out of style. Can you think of a single item that you love that wouldn’t look better covered in cow print? Even your significant other would look better in cow print. If you don’t have a significant other, you would look better in cow print. You know what looks amazing in cow print? A cow. Ideally a cow brick. Formed from 100% pure cow. You never need worry about keeping up with the Joneses if your house is decorated externally with exactly the same material. Choosing the cow brick colours will always be a matter of personal taste of course. And there are a large variety of cows to choose from. Each one slightly differing in their style to suit exactly what you want. And what you want, along with the external part of your house to have this graceful and frankly beautiful style, is ever changing wallpaper. Stroke-able wallpaper. Even wallpaper that you can wipe your hands on if they get a bit greasy while you’re eating your hamburgers. Ironically. If the paint job ever needs a touch up, just replace the wallpaper. New wallpaper grows to full size is next to no time at all. You can even watch it grow, nurture it. It’s the best form of watching paint dry that there will ever be.

Power: Why bother with all the new age solar panel business when you can power your house purely by your bricks? The only expense that you will have to fare is cud. And that’s easy enough to find. Just raid a local park and you’ll be fine. I’m not sure on the exact logistics of harnessing the power of cows to power your house. But I’m sure that it is easy enough to convert methane, dung and urine into viable sources of energy. It’s said that it takes two generations for humans to fully come to terms with a new idea. So this may take some time to move away from the odd fear and misunderstanding that cow bricks and cow power will obviously run into. However the world managed to understand the Spice Girls girl power, so this should be quite a small step in comparison. The cow dung would also be used as insulating material during the harsh winter months, merely smear it into between each cow to make sure that no drafts at all can get in. At the very worst you can harness power by having some of your cow bricks walking around in a hamster wheel to power a generator. But that’s only if you get particularly hard up. All you need to achieve this is the basic carrot on a stick technique but use a bit of cud, just out of its reach as it trudges happily around the wheel powering the various appliances in your household. If this takes too long you can always hop on and pretend that you’re riding a horse.

Pleasure: Imagine this scenario, you’ve had a long hard day at work and all you want to do is get home. On your dull commute home you wonder if your life could ever be interesting again. You turn the corner into your road and you’re greeted by hundreds of smiling cow brick faces. The ones that face the road anyway. You swing open the cow door (that one just moves for you actually) and go inside. And it’s the happiest that you will ever be. Just you and your cows. They have such minimal upkeep and they’re nice. They don’t talk back and they don’t fall down. These being the problems of having people bricks and proper bricks respectively. Once you have seen how a cow brick would change your life, you’d never want anything else, ever again. In the case of home building at least. You may want something else in life in the long run. But this is definitely the best short term solution. So join the revolution, friend, and help me start something beautiful and creepy. Help me make cow bricks a reality.

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