Have you seen a shitty movie recently? Possibly a movie that was on TV starring Jean-Claude Van Damme
or Arnold Schwarzenegger
or one of their all-American
counterparts? Or maybe it was a romantic comedy
starring Hugh Grant
or Julia Roberts
, or a lame drama
starring a bunch of pussy cry baby Hollywood
dweebs… Whatever it was, you were reaching for something sharp to slit your wrists with by the end.
And you were pissed off. You felt cheated: Throughout the whole movie you felt that little voices planted behind the dialogue by the assistant director
were coming out through your Dolby
Digital Surround system and subliminally telling you “This is a good movie. It deserves the billions it made at the box office. The people behind it aren’t laughing all the way to the bank, they truly tried to express something here.” You knew then and there that this couldn’t be true. You stopped listening to the voices for long enough and watched with a clear head, free of the evil assistant director’s subliminal suggestions and you realized that what was on your TV screen was in fact a turd
. A turd which cost the GNP
of several African countries to make, a turd whose creators had done everything in their power to shine, but a turd nevertheless. That’s what pissed you off: They told you it was gold but it turned out to be shit
. And that’s what pisses me off about shitty movies as well.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against shit. Shit is fine as long as you’ve chosen it and it hasn’t been sold to you at a ridiculous price as gold or candy or something else, which you’re told isn’t shit. And that is what is wrong with a lot of Hollywood films: the story is shit, the screenplay is shit, the directing is full of sort-of-impressive tricks but is basically shit and the acting is shit, but the film is marketed as if it’s some sort of masterpiece. This is perfectly logical; those guys down in Hollywood have to make a living too, but the whole deal pisses me off because it’s hypocrisy.
This is where the Zombie Movie comes in. As far as I have seen, there is no hypocrisy surrounding Zombie Movies- they never had any pretensions of being masterpieces. You know from before with a Zombie Movie that the acting, plot, effects and dialogue are probably going to suck, but you’re ok with that because Zombie Movies offer something far far better, and that something is endless savage violence: painful deaths of stupid
, guts, brains, stuff that flies out of body parts and looks like mashed potato and, of course, more blood.
Frankly, the only criterion one needs to judge a Zombie Movie is the amount of violence in the film. It is in fact more enjoyable to watch a Zombie Movie if it has a terrible script and bad acting, as long as there is enough gore to see you through. However, let’s not forget some of the details that contribute to a fine Zombie Movie:
1. A decaying hand rising through the earth covering a grave. I have seen this scene countless times and I have never grown tired of it.
2. Original depiction of gore. Violence is always welcome but it is even more enjoyable when it is different that the usual. Remember the almost decapitated nurse zombie in "Braindead" whose head kept on falling off and hanging from the neck by a piece of skin? That’s what I’m talking about.
3. The funny death of an irritating character. Another great thing about Zombie Movies is that almost everyone dies by the end, so that irritating minor character in the beginning of the film is sure to have an unpleasant time further on.
4. Undead organs which although no longer connected to a body still move around and continue to kill. Bring to mind the lethal large intestine in "Braindead".
5. A Zombie performing cunnilingus
to a pretty young blonde
who is tied to a surgeon’s table by holding his severed bloody decaying head between her legs. Drooling is optional.
Notice that the words ‘quality’, ‘good’ and ‘taste’ do not appear anywhere. This is because these words cannot be used to judge a Zombie Movie. A Zombie Movie needs these words like I need a clamp on my balls
. A Zombie Movie is by definition shit and will not try to present itself as anything other than shit. It’s that simple- that’s why a Zombie Movie will always be enjoyable and never be pretentious.