I recently learned that I have been blessed with the gift of being able to set myself into panic with ease. I think perhaps too rationally during these times and feel quite helpless about situations that are out of control or just beyond my grasp.

I'll explain.

A panic attack feels like nothing else. Whatever is irking you is all that's important then and its very difficult to stop yourself from slipping into madness. My heart races and sometimes I start to pace. If I can, I will walk to view a larger perspective of the world around me and calm down. If I can't, I have to fight it off.

Thunderstorms, my well being and lonliness are my two biggest enemies. It doesn't help that I live alone. Having someone who knows that I'm extremely tense nearby really can help, and their perspective can be soothing. Their arms around me would be another plus, but why I don't have it that way would take at least another dozen nodes to explain.

In the mean time, I have cut my caffiene intake to as little as possible.

Every so often I have a psychotic urge toward violence. I never follow up on it, but it goes something like this. I'm sitting across the table from someone, and in an idle moment I think, I wonder what it would feel like to pick up this (insert heavy blunt instrument here) and strike them in the temple with it as hard as I can. Would their skull collapse? Would it simply strike with a sickening thud, and would their eyes roll up into their head and would they collapse, or would they fall to the ground screaming and clutching their cranium, blood seeping out from between their fingers? This could be someone I love, or someone I don't know from adam -- the feeling is the same.

I was in a car with a friend once, driving South from San Francisco on Highway 1 and she said, "do you ever have the urge to just drive the car off the cliff?" There was slightly more to it than that, but I froze halfway between fear that she would and telling her yes, I have that thought all the time. What would it be like to give the wheel a nice twist to the right and make a big jump off the gentle berm at the road's edge, and sail into the great blue yonder for just a moment, taking leave of gravity due to the influence of a simple machine (the lever, in the form of a ramp) before arcing down to the cold, hard water below, all at 80 miles per?

These urges come on suddenly and leave as soon as they came, and behind them is a vague disquiet - "Did that thought come from inside my head? Am I entirely sane?" But my conclusion is that it's a crazy world, and everyone's a little insane. The kind of person you are depends on how you react to those urges. If they leave you unnerved, you're probably doing all right. If they make you feel peaceful and free, it's most likely time to seek professional help.

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