From time to time, and with greater regularity I am asked where I was when something happened. The 'something' is often a major world event - often a tragic event but sometimes also a happy, gay moment. In most cases I don't really give a fuck about the particular event. I leave the caring about particular events (and in particular where the hell they were) to people I class in the:

You are so annoying I want to punch you in the face even before you say a word to me.

If someone does ask me where I was I become paranoid. Why else would they be asking me this? It is obvious they want to pin it on me! At this point you have a number of options.

  1. Punch them in the face and tell them they are annoying even before they say anything. This does require the ability to unerringly predict future events. BEWARE: If you do make a mistake it can lead to the premature severing of potential long-term relationships.
  2. RUN!. This can make you look guilty even if you aren't. This often happens in cop movies, so if someone in a cop movie asks you where you were, don't run, walk off set in a calm, composed way.
  3. Spontaneously Combust. This works as a distracting event leading the questioner to forget what they asked and instead scream "Fucking Jesus, you're arm is on fire! For the love of Christ!"
  4. Lick their forearm, ear or hair. Again, distraction at its finest.
  5. Immediately respond with the same question "Where were you?!" This often places people into a stunned state and they usually ask their question again. Now you can trump them with the ultimate stumper "you!" This can also be used for other life events. For example, if you are driving in the car and the passenger next to you asks "Where are you going?", respond by saying "Where are you going?" This can decay beautifully into indecision and confusion. In the future you can just say "You!" to all questions directed at you. This greatly simplifies life.

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