Yes, I am shamelessly
IN THIS ISSUE: Althorrat summarizes a
spellbinding tale of alternate Marvelosity!
stealing borrowing this
format from Quizro. And you know what they say about imitation. (It's
all lies. Really.)
What if the Avengers Had Never Been?
Writer: Jim Shooter
Penciler: Gil Kane
Inker: K. Janson
Heroes: Iron Man
The Incredible Hulk
(sorta) and Namor
, as we all know, has a fetish known as latex
, meaning he is obsessed with playing Peeping Tom
community. So it should be no surprise that in this
issue, he describes for us a veritable orgy
of do-gooders in the
formation of The Avengers
. The original Avengers, for those unaware,
consisted of Iron Man
(also variously called
, and the Incredible Hulk
However, soon after being recruited, the Hulk grew angry with his human
allies, and left. In "our" universe, the remaining Avengers resolved to
find and subdue the Hulk to prevent him from wreaking havoc on the
world. With the help of Rick Jones
, they found him (in the middle of
the New Mexican
desert, for some reason), and attempted in
vain to capture him. The Hulk fled, only to be attacked by the Prince
Namor, the Sub-Mariner
. A battle raged between the two, but
discovering neither could defeat the other, they called a truce, and
vowed together to destroy humanity
. Naturally, their first step was
to tell the Avengers exactly where they were so they could have a good
ol' fashioned whompfest. The Avengers eventually beat the duo, though
they only truly succeeded in breaking them up.
So it was -- IN OUR WORLD!
(I love saying that.) But what if the
Avengers had not been unanimous in their decision to pursue the Hulk?
In an alternate Earth
objects: After all, he says, the
Avengers are not conscripts, but volunteers. If the Hulk wants to
leave, he reasons, he has every right to. Thor
agrees, causing Iron
to have a few choice words for him. His mighty deity dignity
offended, Thor returns to Asgard
to battle evil brewing there.
feels that without such a powerful ally, he and his wife
are useless to the team, and "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" are
Iron Man, still determined to stop the Hulk
, contacts the Green
's only friend, Rick Jones
. As in the normal Marvel
universe, Rick agrees to help, and Iron Man takes on the
Hulk alone. Unable to defeat him or convince him to stop his rampage,
Iron Man retreats to form a new plan of action. Meanwhile, the Hulk
runs into the Sub-Mariner
, and events proceed pretty much the same.
The two team up and contact Iron Man, challenging the Avengers to a
fight. Iron Man is afraid to admit the Avengers no longer exist, so he
agrees to the fight. Now he must face the combined might of the
Incredible Hulk and the Sub-Mariner by himself!
Or does he? The engineering genius that is Iron Man
's alter ego, Tony
Stark, spends the next 48 hours building three new suits of "transistorized armor
" for Rick Jones
, the Wasp
. They agree to help him, and begin trying out their new
armor - but their inexperience causes them to accidentally damage the
armor. Stark's natural short temper is made shorter by his fatigue, and
he rages at them, causing all three to give back the armor and leave
him alone once more.
Desperate, Iron Man charges his armor to far beyond normal tolerance,
hoping that the increased power will be enough to stop two of the most
powerful beings on Earth. At first, things go well for him, but the
Hulk and Sub-Mariner wear him down, until he plummets into the water,
pummels him to within an inch of his life. All seems
lost... until the new Iron Avengers appear!
Once again, things are looking good, but the Hulk and Sub-Mariner's
energies are nearly limitless, and once again they wear down the
, who are dependent on their batteries
powers. Finally, the Iron Giant-Man's energy is completely exhausted,
and without it, he can't even breathe. In desperation, Iron Man
transfers as much energy as he can into him, and the re-energized Iron
Giant-Man flies back into action against the Hulk, pounding him with
blow after blow.
Meanwhile, after a brief game of cat-and-mouse
and Rick Jones
, the youngest member of the new team
tries in vain to fight the Prince of Atlantis, but fails miserably.
Namor throws him from a great height to smash into the rocks below. But
the Hulk, hearing Rick's terrified cries, bounds up to catch him. Then,
in a fury, he attacks the Sub-Mariner
, fighting him to a
But the victory is bittersweet: for in giving Giant-Man
he needed, Tony Stark tapped into the power source
of the device
which protected his weak heart. Without that energy, his heart stopped
beating altogether - and the Invincible Iron Man was no more.
(after Iron Man was defeated, before the
other Avengers arrived)
Hulk: Hey! He's lying so still
! Is he--?
Namor: Dead? Of course! And now that my Imperial rage subsides I am...
saddened. He was valiant!
At one point he had beaten us both!