From the Oregon Voice, by Chris Galbraith, Todd Higashi, Mason Inman, Jeff Pettus, Rob Ruby, Matt Wheeland, and a shadowy figure who asked to remain anonymous.

10. Pretend to die, see what they do.
9.  Make them watch pornos all day.
8.  Kill all the family pets and say that God did it because they wouldn't do the dishes. This should foster a nice atheistic household.
7.  When you bathe them, point and laugh at their genitalia.
6.  Tell them you love them every day. When they say, "I love you too," laugh and say, "I was just kidding!"
5.  Tape them to the ceiling.
4.  For the first five years of their life (until they start Kindergarten) replace all the lights in the house with strobe lights. See what happens. (My guess: They'll learn to blink in synch with the strobe. That's what happened when I tried this experiment with kittens.)
3.  Whenever they say a certain word, (let's pick "hungry") do a little dance, jump up and down three times, clap, touch your toes, then lay down and pretend to go to sleep.
2.  Teach them right and left backwards. This will be sure to fuck them up for years to come.
1.  Do whatever your parents did to you. You're pretty fucked up.

These are true ways to fuck up a kid. Not flashy or funny but frighteningly real. All but one of these have happened to myself. All I can say for myself is that I rebelled.

  1. Tell your son how he should have been a girl with the hair and eyelashes he has. Then give him a gender neutral name that is more often used as a girls name like Leigh Noel. Limit masculine influences in his life and teach him to cook, sew, clean and enjoy musicals.
  2. Tell your kids that you love their grandkids more than they ever loved you
  3. Cry everyday so that the kid feels that they learn when you make your own mother cry you know you've fucked up
  4. Always end your praise of your kid accomplishments with BUT...
  5. Punish your kids for looking guilty just in case even when you know they haven't done anything wrong
  6. Enforce a rapidly changing set of standards and rules and backup your reasons with because I'm your mother
  7. Give them a book about sex education and then say, "Please don't ask questions."
  8. Never respect their point of view.
  9. Punish them for your mistakes.
  10. Have kids because you want someone to love you.

Ten ways to fuck up your kids:

  • 10. Ignore them
  • 9. Shame them
  • 8. Don't play with them
  • 7. Don't let them play
  • 6. Blame them
  • 5. Don't listen to them
  • 4. Don't make or enforce rules
  • 3. Make them be quiet
  • 2. Teach them that violence is acceptable
  • 1. Set a bad example for them.

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