He'd known me years inside a few months and now where are we, with the leaves already turning and this mess inside my head. This feeling in my stomach that attributes itself back and forth: anticipation, hunger. It matters so little and so I am almost content in never knowing. Always waiting now, as if there will start a great orchestra playing in the depths of my brain and in an instant it will all be clear, this feeling, this what I am needing.

The leaves are quivering I think, inside this tension and despite the winds insistance that they remain a fluid green sea. It seems they should always sway, and gently, before the rain takes the city filth to the ground again. Slick wet green has been known to unsettle me, to leave me wishing it were spring and everything could be new again. Instead they are turning, pale sickly yellows because the rich autumn golds are not for the weakest, the ones that fall first.

Tonight I found it again, the driving to the hospital all those nights and the rain that would come when I didn't think anyone knew how much I needed the cold that comes with torn skies and sharp wind. An excuse for unrested red eyes. I remember mostly your too quiet voice. Water droplets that gather along the windshield and the red-yellow-green light play on wet pavement and we are there again. You look so small, and I am never so lost as to forget.

He is cast in blue neon, the shape of his face in the light and I am breathless-startled, he doesn't know I am crying and he would never realize how gorgeous his eyes are like this, that is not him. He is rambling about streets and direction and I am lost inside this song because it is so him and he is so oblivious. Eyes locked, staring and I know that he will keep rambling and that it doesn't matter if he notices and falters, all insecurity (the sort that only comes when someone is really looking at you). I see it long before the peripheral glance that starts it and I am already smiling when he crumbles beside me. Exposed and unsure and I think, just then, he could be the most beautiful creature I have ever known.

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