Straight from the human hives, tips on how best to observe the sights and drones of Beijing

The second largest hive in China, Beijing is known for the presence of a Politburo consisting of 100 year-old men, Mao's dead body, and a giant poster that is somehow waterproof and snowproof. All hail the great poster, that leads China into the future. That's all there really is interesting to see.

For the broad-minded, saunter over to Tiananmen Square. Across a bit is the Mausoleum of Mao, where you can observe his waxed, stuffed and chemically treated body for free! A block over is the military museum, where you can see the kind of tanks that crushed the student radicals on June 4, 1989 to a bloody pulp just outside the museum itself. One can also witness the government-documented brutality of the radicals in the history museum a bit off. Mmmm, doublethink.

Beware the thugs in red trenchcoats. Those Ministry of State Security hoodlums are not to be messed with. Beijing is xenophobic. Go on, walk down Embassy Street and wave at the spy cameras discretely hooked up on trees. Better yet, do a dance for them. They monitor you evil foreigners. Pale devils are all spies of America! So they say.

Beijing hates foreigners. Beijing people always try to rip tourists off. Buy a "I climbed the Great Wall!" T-shirt for US$10. Watch it fall apart after a day. Even better, go get some Mao memorabilia. Mao mugs, Mao pictures, Mao lighters, anything! Or, go purchase some anti-American propaganda from the bookstore. Beijing caters to all your anti-capitalist needs!

Don't talk to the drones. They're angry people who speak in a snarling, spitting dialect. Take photos of them and they might rip your camera apart. You've been warned.

Trust no one.

Next up on the DMan tourism guides, how to score quality prostitutes in Asia! Outmanuever those slimy pimps! Get the best deal!

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