Unfortunately, I don't have complete scenarios; all I can offer is a list, from memory, of what has passed (pun intended) through our emergency room. Apparently there is a silent epidemic out there - people by the hundreds are walking naked through their dwellings, slipping, and falling onto odd objects in such a way that they become lodged in their rectum. Beware! You have been warned!
Objects found in various recti:
- Vibrators, some running, some not (no surprise)
- Dildos in various shapes, sizes and colors (also no surprise)
- Cucumbers (and other fruits and veggies, but cucumbers are by far the most common)
- Golf balls
- Eggs, both raw and hard boiled
- Beverage bottles - Coke bottles are especially prone to getting stuck (the little ridges on the bottle provide good suction)
- Shampoo or other miscellaneous shower necessities
- Hair brushes (ouch!)
- Condiment jars (Grey Poupon, anyone?)
- Light bulbs - oh, come on, people!! I know it's hard to fight sexual urges, but seriously, light bulbs??! Can you imagine what will happen if that puppy breaks? And you thought hemorrhoids were bad...
- an ice cream scoop, which led to about a month of ER personnel offering each other a dip of Rocky Road...
- And finally, the pièce de résistance - a macaroni sculpture of a little man (another victim of the walking-naked-then-slipping syndrome...)
Please, don't anyone take this as a suggested list of things-to-stick-where-the-sun-don't-shine!! These things MADE this list because they were impossible to be retrieved without medical assistance. Once again, public service announcement: wear underwear when walking through the house, or you could be the subject of a writeup update! You have been warned!