donkey - lousy poker player, as in "omg u fkn donk"
Have Excuses Ready - To be bad at poker and yet honest would require a rather brief career. These people aren't worth considering; they are no longer donks when they are no longer playing. Our subject is still here though, hemorrhaging money daily and yet convinced that will somehow change if only... So, the first defining characteristic of a donkey is that they know exactly why they aren't.
Post Out of Position - The sooner I get cards the sooner I can win!
Right Swing, Wrong Racket - They appear sometimes to be making moves entirely in a vacuum. They are familiar with all of the necessary components of a poker game but are unaware that these components are arranged into a narrative of sorts. They forget that actions already performed may inform the present. "Oh, I know, I'll bluff here!" Here, on the river, which the opponent, the incredibly tight opponent which everyone is unwilling to call down, has just bet, following the bet on the turn, the bet on the flop, and the bet preflop. Yes, this is the perfect place to bluff, and also, don't breed.
Focus Daniel-son, Until Your Eyes Bleed - Too tight of a focus will, obviously, obscure vision. Donkeys sometimes get so excited about something they've just learned that they forget everything else. One of the first lessons a player learns is that "any two can win." The second lesson a player learns is "some two win more often than other two." It is sometimes humorous, but mostly sad, to see a player hypercritically focused on starting hand selection. Each successive lesson brings on the risk again - counting outs or pointing out percentages, bluffing way too much and assuming everyone else is always bluffing, people who play position so fanatically that they always sit out the blinds... A similar donkey belief is that all that is now known includes all that can be known, there is nothing new under the sun. These donkeys are especially prized by the discerning collecter; they may be led anywhere, to temporarily believe anything.
Play Too High - Includes the other flavors of throwing good money after bad. Bank discipline is, granted, one of the most difficult things to really learn and usually one of the last things an aspiring professional player acquires. In this I'm not referring to good table selection habits and strict buy-ins, merely the too-common belief that buying in for more will somehow make the game better, easier, more beatable. "I keep getting beat and it is the fault of all these crappy players, I'll go 'up' where the good players are and then I will win." This is the kind of logic that makes baby Spock cry.
Blame The Opponent - The donkey limps in pocket aces in a family pot and waits until the turn to pull the trigger, capping a pot in which several people seem uninterested in folding. Upon mucking his hand, down 12 big bets, he exclaims confidently that if only he could play at bigger tables this kind of shit would never happen. Uh huh.
haha u guys suk
Blame the Site - A favorite meatball in blame pasta, the donkey braying conspiracy theories is particularly amusing. They positively assert that the site is rigging the game, whether it is against them, for everyone else or left vaguely unspecified doesn't matter. They go on playing. They believe there is no possible way to win the game. They continue playing the game. Can't break wall with skull, can't not bash head. Help.
this site sux
Insult Opponents - Or otherwise degrade the atmosphere. For many people, especially the dedicated sort who pay me every week, fun is all there is. The momentary thrill of a big hand brings them back again and again. To ruin the atmosphere of fun takes away their prime motivation for being there. When they are gone the only people left are the bitter donkeys and the pros. Blech.
Laugh at Inappropriate Times Thus Demonstrating Extreme Nonchalance or Severely Damaged Humor Sensing Organs -
"Nice call, ass" translates, roughly, to "I can't believe you called me. I know, deep down, that I don't really understand the bluff, but I was trying to bluff there and it would have been really good for my game, a real shot in the arm you know? if you'd just believed me and folded. Now I am in the dangerous position of having to question my skills, abilities and general donkeyness, ass."
Tilt at the table - The real pro blows off steam by writing sarcastic articles about shit-sucking donkeys for pretentious writer's websites. With adjectives.