This is a story I wrote quite some time ago. The story behind this story is about as complicated as the story itself (yet, fortunately, considerably shorter).

It began the winter of 2000/2001, when I read in a newspaper that some guy had killed someone, but was acquitted because he was drunk when he did it. I couldn’t believe my own ears, and it really bothered me. Drinking to the extent of getting drunk is something you do conciously, right? So I believe people should be responsible for their actions in any case. Besides "being drunk" is a loophole in the law that is just too simple to exploit.

So I decide to write a story which puts things into perspective. At least a little.

Warning: Some of the parts of this story are quite graphical, and (quite frankly) a tad disgusting.

Note 1: This translation is not quite perfect, as it was originally written in Norwegian. As such, the story has a Norwegian tone to it. I decided to not change the “tone” of the story, although I have done my very best to make this translation as complete as possible

Note 2: Some of the lyrics of the songs are in Swedish or Norwegian. I decided not to change them, but I will provide a translation.


The tale of a socially aware citizen

(original title: En samfunnsengasjert borgers beretning)
Written and © Haje Jan Kamps

I’m too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat, poor pussy, poor pussy catI

A sharp, authoritative chop of the hammer relieves (with a remarkable sound) the kitten from having to be drowned in a bucket of water. I have read somewhere that the drowning death is supposed to be the superlative way to die. They aren’t worth it. I’ve never quite understood those wooly little creeps.

She takes her pills, careful and round. One of these days she’ll throw the whole bottle downII

Two black little earphones, brand Panasonic, are pumping techno music - designed to turn people stupid - from a Minidisc player straight into my brain. I’m in line at the liquor store to buy vodka, and I’m annoyed by how the people in front of me can spend so much time making up their minds.

I’m the kinda man that will laugh at a funeral. If you can’t understand what I mean you soon will.III

Finally in the front of the counter, just to learn that they are sold out. No more vodka. After I’ve put in plain words to them exactly how I feel about that matter, I get a bottle of scotch instead. I leave the place while two of the employees look dumbstruck at me. As if they’ve never seen anyone voice an opinion before.

First I found some cats, and they were howling at the moon. I told them ”you play the instruments, and I’ll play the buffoonIV

After a few sips of the scotch, I decide to go home. I have a few responsibilities to take care of before I can go to that party I want to go to. I light up a smoke and get into the car. I’m rolling down the window because my bitching wife doesn’t like me smoking in the car. As if it’s her car. As if she ever does anything but sit at home and watch the small screen.

Hun er pen, men litt dum. Hun er akkurat som vi drømmer omV

(she’s pretty, but a bit dumb. She’s everything we dream about)

Every now and then she gets laid by the neighbor. I don’t really mind. Alf is a good guy. It’s worse about that chink across the street. The bitch thinks I don’t know anything about it, but I know more than she thinks. I’ll never stick my dick in her after that stinking chink has been there. I don’t care about the diseases he probably has, but it’s a matter of principle.

Let me be, I’m all right, can’t you see, I’m just fineVI

When I get home, the house looks like a (excuse my French) hellhole. I believe that every good Christian home should be tidy and at least somewhat clean at all times. I confront the bitch, and I ask her kindly why the hell she never does as I advise her. I mean, she’s at home all day while I’m at work, and she just doesn’t understand that all I want in return is to get home to an OK dinner and a clean residence. When she finally quit crying and got the larger part of the blood cleaned off her ugly face, she even complained about me forgetting to buy her The Mirror. That pisses me off.

Don’t give me that bullshit, you know who I amVII

I haul along a few jerry cans from the loft box; I go back to the car. A quick glance into the living room confirms that the bitch is still alive. Might be as well – it causes less trouble, at least. What's more, her so-called friends might start worrying why she doesn’t show up for bingo.

Too damn bad, you get so far so fast, so what, so longVIII

When I get out into the yard, I can see Alf’s car standing in the parking lot outside their house. He got fourteen years for the worst case of torture ever to have been revealed in Norway since the Second World War. I heard he was let out after five. If you ask me, those shit-colored, fag-faced communist baboons don’t deserve any better. They were trying to key Alf’s car. Luckily, Alf had been out the night before, and he was asleep in the car. He woke up, and managed to catch one of them. He dragged the kid, kicking and screaming, up to my apartment. I felt okay with Alf taking the punishment. After all, it was his car they had keyed. I can still remember the niggers face when I rammed a white-scorching awl through his eyeball. Personally, I think I treated him too well.

Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for? All the lonely people.. Where do they all come from?IX

I toss two jerry cans into the trunk, and I open the third. I smell the contents, take a sip, and spit it back on the ground. Damn that taste. I reseal the jerry can, and toss that one in the trunk as well. Next, I take an empty coke bottle, and I pour some of my scotch in the bottle. After tossing my scotch under the passenger seat, and the coke bottle on the seat, I drive off.

I’m never alone. I’m alone all the timeX

It doesn’t take many minutes before I find the girls I spoke to earlier that day. After some nodding, smiling, hesitating and tasting the coke bottle, the girls decide to buy one of the jerry cans. I’m two hundred pounds richer, and I smile as I compare the content of the jerry can with the content of the coke bottle. The colors match perfectly. I laugh as I jam the accelerator to the floor mat, accompanied by a loud shriek from the tires

Are you sure you want to be with me, I’ve got nothing to giveXI

Later that night, I end up on that social gathering I was going to. I find myself in an ugly red couch, listening to ugly music that would probably have some ugly green color if music had colors. I’m staring at ugly people who aren’t quite through puberty yet. It sounds as if I’m not the only one who is wound up about the music. A small, ugly poodle is barking, flying about between all the guests.

God forbid you’d ever have to wake up to hear the news. Then you’d really know what it’s like to have the blues.XII

I’m one of the oldest people here. If I had been bothered to calculate, I had known that I pulled up the average age of the party attendants by an entire year. But those kinds of things are a complete waste of time – it’s something the prosecution does. Not I.

Slay all you wantXIII

The show must go on. So must the party. I drink some of my scotch, and after a few hours I’ve got contact with a few of the girls. Just afterwards, the two girls who bought my jerry can show up. They complain a little about the taste of the stuff they bought, something about it not tasting like the stuff they tasted from the coke bottle. I told them to shut up and taught them how to mix the booze with OJ to make it taste halfway decent

Damer i skjørt overalt, ålreit. Hele verden smiler til meg. Livet, det er helt ålreitXIV

(Girls in skirts everywhere, all right, the world is smiling at me. Life, it’s all right)

It’s starting to get late, and people are starting to leave the party. The host is wondering about where the poodle went. He’ll probably be searching for a bit before realizing he’s too plastered to do any proper searching, and then go to bed. I guess they won’t use the cement mixer until the summer is here – and until then they probably won’t find what’s left of the creep. Unless it starts smelling. Or if some other animal finds the organic wreckage and starts pulling it all over the garage.

Thou givest us fever, when we kissest, fever with thou flaming youthXV

The two girls who bought my jerry can are starting to sober up a bit, and one of them gets a seat in a car that comes to pick up people from the party. I tell the other one, Nina or something, that I can drive her home. She seems thankful, and waves to her friend as the Vauxhall pulls out of the driveway. You can hear the driver’s piercing voice a long way. Something about her not knowing her son drank alcohol. Whatever.

If you’ve never stared off into the distance, then your life is a shameXVI

Nina starts to get a bit clear-headed as well, and begins to nag me about driving her home. I’m starting to wonder if there’s space for her in the mixer as well.. She isn’t that big... but I give up the idea. Too risky. The host winks at us and points out that there is a spare bedroom, before he disappears up the stairs with something that only barely can be called female. The girl looks like she quit eating when she was twelve, while living on a diet of amphetamine, carrots and beverages with higher alcohol content than a smoothie.

So I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies, hide the tears in my eyes, cause boys don’t cry.XVII

Suddenly an idea takes shape in my head. I lug along Nina into the bedroom. She doesn’t struggle it, really. I throw her on the bed as I ram one of my socks into her mouth. It strikes me that sticking a used, perspired sock in someone’s mouth is a technique I’ll have to use more habitually. Maybe I’ll make it my image, I contemplate, as I do a few dancing steps to the music that shakes the entire house from the upstairs bedroom.

But wait a minute.. Something’s wrong.. Hey Mambo.. Mambo Italiano..XVIII

Even thought there isn’t any basic danger of anyone hearing anything, I tie a towel over her mouth, so they can’t hear her screams up on the second floor. Then I start to remove Nina’s clothes one by one. She does some fierce resistance, but I’m stronger than my looks do me credit.

Yes, I finally found a reason, I don’t need no excuse. I got this time on my hands, you are the one to abuse.XIX

When I’m done, so is Nina. Done, I mean. Her body is shiny from sweat, blood and semen. Her blood. My semen. Our sweat. She breathes heavily after the half hour of struggling. I breathe equally heavy, and I think back on the wonderful sensation. I’m wondering if maybe I should lob her in the mixer after all, but I change my mind. Nina is up for some additional fun.

I’ll run naked through the streets without my mask on. I’ll never need umbrellas for the rainXX

I tie her up so it’ll take a little more than half an hour to get free. Then I get dressed. I use my T-shirt to clean off some of the blood off Nina before I put it on. The shirt smells like girls’ sweat. I put on the rest of my clothes, change my mind, and take off my sweater again. The sweater ends up in a wrinkly pile in the corner of the room. I leave.

Men kysser man henne rett gir hun etter for trykket og elsker til hun blir mettXXI

(but if you kiss her right, she gives in to pressure, and loves untill she is done)

In the living room I find a bottle of vodka that some pussy didn’t manage to finish. Suits me fine. I close my eyes, and chug down the entire bottle, while adjusting my erection that for some reason is showing antipathy towards going down.

Wait, I hear it again. Don’t turn on the lights and tell me ”hear the way it ends”XXII

I jump into the car and drive towards the civilized world. I feel that it’s rather hard to stay on the road, but I mustn’t crash. Not yet.

I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. Just to be with you is the best day of my lifeXXIII

When I get closer to the centre of the city, I’m starting to look out for a good place to carry out the next part of the plan. I’ve got to feed the judiciary system something. Outside a club I see a couple who are about to get into a pricey Mercedes SLX convertible. I slow down a little, and wait for them both to slam the doors. Then I accelerate straight into the side of their car.

My baby don’t care for shows. My baby don’t care for clothes. My baby just cares for me.XXIV

When the police come to get me, they take a blood sample right away, to determine the level of alcohol in my blood. I play extra drunk, and I pretend to not remember even getting into my car. Then I end up in a penitentiary cell. After throwing up the rest of the vodka, I get on the mattress in the cell, where I fall dead to the world with a big smile on my face.

Wake up the dying, don’t wake up the dead. Change what you saying, don’t change what you said.XXV

A few weeks later my case ends up in court. I am found guilty of driving under the influence of alcohol. And I’m acquitted of the rape. Unconscious at the moment of the crime, due to high intake of alcohol. As they read out the verdict I had trouble to keep myself from smiling.

Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. Suffocation, No breathing, don’t give a fuck if come and you’re bleeding.XXVI

As I’m pushed out of the courtroom to do my two months for drunk driving, I catch Nina’s eye. She looks straight at me with a burning, blazing abhorrence in her eyes. After a quick glance around the courtroom to make sure that nobody is watching, I send her a playful kiss.

They call me white devil. Black Jesus. Heaven closes. Hell is freezing.XXVII


   I     - Right Said FredToo Sexy
   II    - Counting CrowsAnother Horsedreamer’s Blues
   III   - Barenaked LadiesOne Week
   IV    - Barry AdamsonJazz Devil
   V     - Trang Fødsel       – Drømmedame
   VI    - Alice In ChainsSwing On This
   VII   - Ben Folds FiveOne Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces
   VIII  - Matchbox 20Long Day
   IX    - BeatlesEleanor Rigby
   X     - BushGlycerine
   XI    - Massive AttackKarmacoma
   XII   - EverlastWhat it’s like
   XIII  - Bertine ZetlitzLovers Do
   XIV   - Trang Fødsel       – Livet er helt ålreit
   XV    - Peggy LeeFever
   XVI   - Counting CrowsMrs. Potter’s Lullaby
   XVII  - The CureBoys Don’t Cry
   XVIII - Rosemary ClooneyHey Mambo, Mambo Italiano
   XIX   - Days of the NewTouch, Peel and Stand
   XX    - Tori AmosHappy Phantom
   XXI   - Cornelis Vreeswijk – Felicia Pratar (Translated from Swedish)
   XXII  - Dream TheaterPeruvian Skies
   XXIII - DidoThank You
   XXIV  - Nina SimoneMy baby just cares for me
   XXV   - EelsDaisy through Concrete
   XXVI  - Papa RoachLast Resort
   XXVII - EverlastBlack Jesus
  

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