It was two in the morning and Demigod Jack LaLanne had just finished a half hour exposition on how I need to be a healthier man. It was fortuitous for me that he had the cure. His new wonder juicer was just what I needed.

In addition to giving in to the urges to get revenge, to destroy, or to wistflly bring slaughter on mass scale to fruits and vegetables by juicing the hell out them, this device will also give me longevity and superpowers. Just as it did for Him. At first I didn't give it much credence, I was only looking at the TV because Xbox live was down and I had felt lost, resembling a teddy bear that had been run over in the street, washed into the gutter after a heavy rain in an industrial district. Through the TV, Jack must have sensed an unbeliever. He could feel my ambivalence. He started his spiel over from the beginning. Just like my friend from Heavens Gate, Marshal Herf Applewhite, His gaze never wavered from mine. He kept going on and on, all through out the morning until I saw the truth. Jack La Lane had enlightened me. I had a vision.

As the the first trumpet sounded I heard a voice say unto me... The blood of fruits shall stain our feet as we stand at the Altar of Jack La Lanne.

He failed to mention biggest payoff is forcing all those smug little healthful fruits in to the gapping maw of the juicer. Ever hungry for more, the mouth of the juicer resembles a fish on the deck of a trawler gasping for air.

As the fish gasps, the whirring insatiable blades want.

Peel grapes from their skins.

Spill the blood of fruits.

Drink the life giving blood.

Add the fruit life essence to your own, and live stronger for one more day. I was no longer a forgotten teddy bear in the gutter with matted faux fur, tears of motor oil and a scratched plastic eye with only yesterday's financial section to keep me warm. No! I was Professor Toady Von Froggenhoffen, Aztec High Priest.

Nary a berry shall parry The Evicerary.

At first I would have just a little in the mornings but after a while that wasn't cutting it, it wasn't taking me where I wanted to be. I wanted more. I began to sneak shots of greens at work in between salads. I thought that I was keeping it hidden but you can never hide the tell tale, green "milk" moustache. I had to change my methods. I tried to smoke shredded kale by rolling it up in a leaf of romaine lettuce but that didn't work.

It had gotten to the point where was stealing the iceberg lettuce off my friends burgers when they weren't looking, can you believe that? Iceberg lettuce! Even when I was snorting lines of wheat grass at the playground on my lunch breaks, I wasn't prepared to admit that I was an addict. Still, I needed more. I needed a more intense high. I needed it to take me to the place that I had gone when I took that first shot.
I had tried green blotter. I had tried green pills, green smoke none of that did anything for me anymore, I was "too far green" as they say. Fuck salads, save chewing for the Cro-Magnon man what has not discovered hypodermic needles.

I turned to the mainline.

Not trusting the purity of the supermarkets I had already converted my living room into a grow room for kale, wheat grass, romaine and the harder stuff like broccoli and red leaf lettuce and yes, even dinosaur kale. If I could only achieve that high once again, it would give me the strength to stop.

This is where my memory all becomes blurry, my skin was green my hair was green, my fingernails were giant strawberry seeds. Where was my Aztec kingdom?

Then, slumped in a stall with no door in a grimy men's room in a truck stop with a broken syringe slurping green juice off the cold, heartless tile floor, I saw my reflection; I saw what I had become. I saw through my own green shot eyes what everyone else had been seeing, and everything they were saying became clear. I was a "greener". Not just a casual greener, but also a user, an abuser. I had let the power of the juicer go to my head. I had brought shame to the green juice community and for that… I am disgraced.


I am green juice free now and I have taken a vow to live above the influence and not under it, to respect the berry and the veggie equally. Every now and then, I have nightmares of screaming strawberries and I wake up in a sweat hoping for absolution in the afterlife. Being green juice free is tough but with the help of my friends, and my juiced meat I will be ok.

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