So I'm sitting here at work with my delicate condition (go there) and I go to the bathroom. I pee, I wipe, it hurts really bad. I freeze and reflect on this. My rash feels kind of blistery. My heart sinks deep into my stomach and I'm not sure I want to get off the toilet. I might have to sit here for a while.

Flashback nearly four years - the guy I'm dating has been cheating on me. The girl he has been cheating on me with makes an announcement to him that she thinks she has herpes. He drags her over to our house so that she can tell me this. I am horrified.

Have you gone to the doctor?
No.
I get onto the internet and pull up a picture of a vagina afflicted with genital herpes. Does it look like this?
No.
What does it look like??
I dunno.
Show him. (I point at the cheating bastard).
I don't want to.
Get out of my house.

The next day, I went to the gynecologist. I remember it distinctly, I liked that doctor, and he was very nice. He did a pap smear. He took blood. He pronounced me clean as a whistle after the lab tests came back.

I stayed with that boyfriend (that's another stupid story), and got regular checkups from the gynecologist. Thankfully, we broke up. Now, in the past 2+ years, I have been with one person. It stands to reason that I should not have any reason to worry. But I am completely fucking paranoid, and it is 1:30 in the morning, and I am at work. First thing after start of business tomorrow morning, I am going to call and plead with Planned Parenthood for a quick appointment to appraise my stupid rash.

Until then, I am haunted by the ghost of herpes past. The last thing I want in the world is to be responsible for passing something on to my boyfriend, and I will be absolutely furious with my ex boyfriend and with myself if there is anything wrong. I just have a hard time believing that herpes would just sit and incubate for nearly three years at the minimum. As a matter of fact, that may well be impossible, since all of the stuff I've read tonight about it says it shows up within about 20 days.

Paranoia sucks. Irrational fear sucks. My heart is beating way too fast and I am not happy right now.

November 14, 2000 - ahhh how nice it is to discover that there is nothing wrong.

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